Shit, just when i really need chat!!!
 

Its not working :(

I don't know whats happened over the last two days but after feeling incredible for the last 2 and half months I'm suddenly terrified. I feel really scared and I don't know why, like I've suddenly realised how much I have to lose now and I feel like I should throw it all away before anyone has the chance to take it. I haven't self harmed in about 9 months but in the past two days I've come really close.

I know how it started, my doctor mentioned how well I was doing on my meds and that if I'm still doing as well in 2 months we can think about reducing them. It hit me then that the only reason I'm doing so brilliantly is because of the medication (which is fine by me) and I've realised exactly how quickly that can all be taken away from me. **** its like someone has given me everything I have ever wanted, but I have zero confidence in myself that I can hold onto it all without the medication. Its such a stupid situation cause I always said I never wanted to rely on meds, but I know they are the only reason that things are so good for me. God im so scared and frustrated and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I dunno. I dont know what to do about it all...

The medicine just helps adjust the chemicals in your brain that help the cells communicate with each other. So don't worry if you feel dependent on them. In my experience I look at my meds as what gets me out of bed so that I can do the journaling and introspection, work and exercise that i need to do.

Try to just enjoy life while you feel okay, instead of worrying about why you feel okay. But if you want, maybe you could try therapy to work on some of your issues so that someday you might not need to depend on medication.

And if you can't get into chat, feel free to PM me anytime. :-)

I think that the hardest thing about recovery, is taking that risk of allowing yourself to live and experience happiness. I for one am scared because i keep thinking that if I find that happiness some f****r will come and rip it away again. But it's a risk I'm moving forward on.