RYL Forums - Breaking Point. I've just about reached it. *poss trig SI*

Hey
I've posted in here a couple of times regarding basically how I'm feeling and my stresses towards how my brain seems to function. And after a really tough weekend I really want to come clean about this to someone. I've already been to a counselling place in town but I'm 10th on the waiting list so it could be months until I can begin something regular. And to be honest I don't think I can hack this for much longer I really do feel like I'm a breaking point.

Basically this weekend has been really good. But really not at the same time. My best friend from my old town came over for the weekend and it was wicked I had so much fun and I was so happy and hyper and loud all weekend with her it was wicked. But as soon as she left I crashed. It was like, when you take speed (not that I have might I add!) and its a sudden 'up' and it lasts for ages and everything is brilliant and your loud and jittery and cant stop moving everything is just so good, but then the comedown is like Hell on earth and because you have been so high, you crash down lower than you ever feel possible.

Thats what I feel like when I'm happy. As soon as the stimulus of the feeling leaves me, I feel lower than i ever felt possible.

So when youre taking drugs in the end you realise that its not worth the short term high for the more long term crash landing that will inevitably follow it. And its getting to that point with me and positive things.

After my friend left last night it was a crash landing. I couldnt even talk to my friend from here on MSN like I normally would. I couldnt be of any help to her, and I usually can be. I couldnt make anything right like I try to. Everything just had broken. I cut so bad last night. It wouldnt stop bleeding for hours. I slept with a makeshift bandage made out of babywipes and a hair bobble around my wrist and woke up and had saturated it. Its ok now. But still. I know that this cannot continue. I need to talk to someone fast. I just want to be able to fill myself with pills and make everything better to be honest. Ive never felt like that before ever. But when its getting to a point where Im scared of happiness because I know what will follow it, where Im scared of going to see my friends and boyfriend in my old town next week cos Im scared of how much worse Im gonna feel when I leave them, I know that something is not right.

I know I should talk to my GP. Ive finally managed to get my mum to enroll us into a local surgery. But now I dont know any of the doctors, how they go about things, and most importantly, how to speak to them. Ive only ever been to the doctor for colds and tonsilitus. I dont have a clue on how to start this conversation with them. Certaionly someone who I have never met in my life.

So please guys, Im not really one to ask for help

But I really am now
Im so desperate I just want to be fixed I cant be like this forever.

I really need you lot tonight.

Sorry
and thank you

etwib
xxxxx