rocking and weeping
 

I feel like such a pathetic needy moron. At the beginning of the week I was doing okay. I was in acceptance about things.
Thursday my day meeting was okay. Then over dinner I did about six pages of journaling and thought that had put the stuff into perspective. I was in a moody but decent mood at the evening meeting.

Today i've just been getting worse again. I am literally here at the keyboard rocking and weeping. I'm wondering what I did so wrong that I didn't and don't deserve loving parents. What is it about me that is so awful? My husband is a great travel buddy and friend but I want to be protected and cared for. I want someone to stand between me and all of the abuse in my past and tell me that it will be okay.

It never was okay and I don't know if it will ever be.

Really don't know what to say! My thoughts are with you! Have you thought of talking things over with a psychologist?

i wish i could think of something to say to help you but i dont know what to say

I've been in and out, mostly in, therapy since I was 11, that's 30 years. I take a handful of ADs each morning and another in the evening. I'm in the middle of coming to terms with all of this stuff and sometimes it feels good and right now I just feel so lost and alone even with friends and of all weird things one of my friends canceled because of she'd forgotten a superbowl party.

I know but there's therapy and there's therapy! I've been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists since the age of 8 or 9 and it is only within the last 3 years I've had a psychologist pin point things for me and it's been realised that all this should've been noticed a long time earlier! But yeah you can be lonely in a crowded room!

Friends are wonderful creatures are they not?

It's not about deserving loving parents or not, as I see it. You did nothing wrong. It's that they didn't have enough love to give, for whatever reason. And that aches. It can be so intensely painful, as we as humans need love so much. So the least painful option, to feel more in control maybe, is to believe it's our fault. But it's not. Breaking through that destructive self belief can be really hard, as you're finding out - so I'm glad you've got your medication, all your support, and good reflective skill to help you contain and cope with accepting the painful facts of your past.

You deserve all the love in the world. You are a wonderful person and from the sounds of things your husband loves you unconditionaly. I can see you've made a lot of progress in the short time I've been here. Don't give up hope. My thoughts are with you xxx

You aren't pathetic. You aren't awful. And what they did was not in any way your fault. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for throughout their childhood (and beyond). You're making incredible progress, doing great things to help yourself heal.

What they did will never be ok, but that doesn't mean you can't be ok either. Don't give up on yourself! Through this process of getting help, you will learn to be that person standing between yourself and your past, and you'll come to understand that you still have an enormous amount of worth as a human being.

Sending more hugs in your direction!

you are not pathatic or a moron or deserving of abuse. you are amazing to have survived it all, and to still be such a caring nice person. big hugs and thinking of you. hope your ok. lots of love.

your RYL lil sister
xxxxxxx