Just Can Not Seem to Stop
 

Had a bad night.

For me a bad night is a night where I do a series of cuts.

And last night was no exception.

I zoned and I started to cut and really hurt myself.

Stupid part is I sit there and just watch it bleed.

Made a big mess before I realized I need help.

Went to the ER and they took care of me but that was it.

They never seem to do any more.

They mend and they evaluate and send me home.

I feel like I needed more but they never listen.

They hear what they want to hear and they see what they want to see.

So I went home and played with my wounds.

I hate myself.

Mr. D

I'm so so sorry you feel like this. Do you have a counsellor or anyone to help you? If you don't, do you feel able to see if you can start seeing one? You'll always be able to talk to us lot on here, but professional help may be of benefit to you. I hope you're safe at the moment, and feel strong enough to keep talking at least to us xXx

I do have a doctor, it is requied that I go to continue my job. But it to me a waste of time and energy. I don't know if I am putting in the right energy or we just don't have a good mix.

That word, "safe." It is a much, overused word in the si world. I would answer I am not "safe."

Mr.D

:sad: sorry.

It is hard to figure what to do but I do keep pushing ahead. Thanks for writing me back. It helps more than you know. And maybe you do know.

Mr D.

Glad I can help, even if I don't say the right thing! Keep pushing, you'll figure it out in the end xXx

Are you on MSN or Yahoo, would love to talk?

Mr. D

Well I have been sitting hear doing all the things I should not be doing. I just do not know how to control myself. I don't even want to call for help. I am so weak.

its not weakness.
its lack of control. and a lot of confusion.
i dont really know how i can help you
but talking helps :) here anytime

I really need to be doing something other than just sitting here and watching the bleeding. Was that wrong to say? I should be getting help but I just am lost. So than I ask myself, "how the hell am I writing this.

This has got to come to and end. My last diary entry shows the conflict I am having:

SI - SU TRIGGER (Please be careful before reading)









I want to cut myself so badly that I will bleed to death.
I also want to to live despite what I first said.
I am a man full of contradictions.

Mr. D.

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. Is the distractions bit on here helpful to you at all? A film? A book? xxx

Had a halfway good night, but messed myself up still. I am going to lose my job if I don't stop and it is so hard to stop.

I have got to stop for my health first, and I love my job.

Mr. D

Hey, just wanted to say I'm here if you need to talk (even though you don't know me, I am a good listener). I know how hard stopping is, and that finding the right reason is tough. Feel free to talk about whatever is bothering you at the moment or rant or whatever. Please remember you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

Would love to talk do you have msn.

hey, i know im a bit late, but as youve said you love your job so isnt that worth hanging in for? if youve found something you love, and there must be other stuff besides your job, use it as motivation to keep going and please stay strong.

Take care

xxx

just pm-ed you