RYL Forums - Am I fading away?

Hi. Well, I have no idea where to start. I really miss you guys. I wish I had more time online to catch up on everyone's lives.

Matthew thinks I'm depressed. I got myself a job but it only lasted 3 weeks because I was fired for too many absences. Matthew and I are doing much better, communicating better and generally in love but we still have blazing rows and the resulting injury (he pushed me and I fell into the bath banging my head and getting all concussed) was the final straw that caused me to lose my job. He still calls me weak and pathetic when I cry. But things generally are quite good. I'm unemployed and have developed excruciating back pain from god knows what and my mum isn't speaking to me but I am coping, which is the important thing.

In a week's time I will have been SI free for 6 months. I have no idea what my feelings on this are. I don't feel much of anything lately. I'm not sure I even care that my mum hasn't spoken to me since New Year's Eve. My days are just a mediocre blend of eating (eating, eating, eating), computer games (since when do I even give games the time of day?), a lot of sex (a possible cause of the back ache?) and sleeping. I'm getting so much fatter, after all that weight I lost, but I don't even care anymore. Am I depressed? I don't think anything matters enough anymore to touch me. I just feel total apathy.

I have written some music though. Secret Museum are on their second demo, all electro and stripped back lyrics. Technically I'm improving but the confessional lyrics of my older songs seem to have something the new stuff lacks. It's like I'm not really there anymore.

I feel like that picture of Marty in Back the Future, the fading one. I know that's a silly analogy but it's what springs to mind. And I only find that vaguely disconcerting. Maybe it's good that things aren't affecting me like they used to. I have no idea.