I cant....*update again last post* 00.05...fucking crisis team
 

DO this, I am drujnnk, two bottles of wine and some vodka and I just want to disappear. I dont want tok die, just to stop for now. It's too hatrd, it hurts. I don't even wan t to cut, whats the point>? But I have to, havr to cut but I not in the frame o f mind. Please someone promise me it wiwll either stop or get better.

things can always get better no matter how bad it gets today tomorrow can be a better day

Try some sports drink for the hangover, it always helped me.

Things do get better. You won't feel so awful. Sometimes you have to take the time to work on yourself in counseling but the counselor can guide you and help you.
Sending you a cherishing hug.

Sweetheart, things eventually get better. You never have to cut, you just believe you do. Eventually things fall into place and sometimes it takes a lifetime, but it happens. In the past two years both my mum and i have got completely over depression. Mum needed a change of scenery, and strange as it sounds, my pregnancy and the son that followed put everything completely in place for me. You'll find that thing that makes you happy one day. Honest. *hugs*

Its a vicious circle... you feel bad so you drink, then when you're hammered everything seems a lot more unbearable. I know the cycle all too well but I also know things aren't quite so bad in the cold and sober light of day.
Hope things were better this morning and hope the hangover wasn't too bad. (Blondiebear is right about the sports drinks.. I find Lucozade sport-still orange works best!)
*Hugs*

hey everyone, thanks for the replies. Went to a+e today, got stitched and spent 5 hours on a ward waiting to be assessed before I discharged myself. I came home and my friends from uni who knew seem to have organised some sort of intervention. I never realised how much I am scaring and worrying them. Apparently one of them is worrying about living with me next year in case something happens. Oh, and one of them got the warden today and had him open my room because they were worried I had killed myself or something.

I guess it is sort of a wakeup call. I am scared I am no longer in control of my life, my SI or anything like that. And I am scaring everyone around me.

Ok, crisis team just called me and demanded a meeting tomorrow to discuss 'different options'. This worries me too, what are different options etc??? But I will see them because I think I need to make more of an effort to get back in control of things.

Sorry for the rant, hugs would be nice :( xx

thats the BEST thing you could have written...that you KNOW you need help AND are going to accept it!! That is such a HUGE step, it really is. Be VERY proud of yoursef for talking this step. i believe you can and will do this...
thinking of you
pls keep us posted ok?
luv
romp

How fortunate you are that your friends care so much about you.

Accept the help from the crisis team.

*Gives you a big cherishing hug*

*squeezes tight*
I really hope the meeting with the crisis team goes well and you have the support you need. You obviously have a lot of people around you that care about you xx

yeah, ha....lol crisis team being as ****ing unreliable as ever called me today to arrange an appointment....or so I thought. NO. They called to see if I had SI'd last night or was feeling suicidal at that point. I told them I had thoughts but don't want to act on them but I feel really out of control and unsafe.

They said since I was seeing my CPN next week (news to me? I didn't know this!!) that I didn't really need to see them. GREAT. W*ANKERS!!

But...I went to the GP and got myself put back on meds, 20mg Prozac but I have to meet her in two weeks to review it and see if it needs putting up and I emailed my tutor about how much I was struggling. So, yeah I am quite proud of myself...yet why do I STILL feel like harming right now?

It takes a while for those feelings to subside sometimes. But they do. And sometimes you can feel triggered for no reason. Take all the help you can, it makes you stronger, not weaker. However, it sounds like this crisis thing aren't too reliable, and sometimes having someone trying to check you haven't harmed yourself does more damage than good. You can get through this, and eventually things will start making more sense.

I'm sorry you had that experience with the crisis team, i'm seeing a crisis team at the moment and i find that sometimes they are great and others not so great depending on who i see. it's because there are so many people working there. if you feel you need the help it might be worth speaking to them again, it would probably be someone different.
It sounds like you are doing so many positive things ti help yourself. I really hope things start to feel better for you soon.
Sending big hugs your way x