trapped-surgery scheduled
 

I'm in a trap and I want to gnaw my way out of it or cut my way out of it or whatever.

My mother-in-law called this morning. She needs someone to take her to outpatient surgery one Monday in February. I'm the logical person to do this since I work for myself and can adjust my schedule to fit around hers. She's agreed make the appointment to accomodate my schedule too. This has to be done and it isn't unreasonable.

I don't want to take care of my husband's parents. I'm weary of taking care of others and I feel trapped just at the thought of more of it!

I grew up raising my sister and taking care of my physically disabled mentally ill mother. I did a lot of the housework. I made meals. I found my sister when she was late home from school. I tied mom's shoes. I rubbed Dad's back when he got home from work. I tolerated years of my mother hating me and teaching me to hate myself. I dealt with her attempts to sabatoge me when I was at university.

I want to explode but if I'll do i'll hurt and anger my husband and scare my cat. What my mom in law is asking for isn't unreasonable. So it is safer for them if I implode. I feel frustrated and helpless because I don't want to have those responsibilities again. I don't want to hate myself because I don't want to be of help. I don't want to get another case of bronchitis or pneumonia because of the emotions. I think about writing the emotions into my skin so no one has to see it and I can hate myself because I can't calm down to take care of them. So the pain and hatred go inward so they don't have to go outward and hurt others.

Please, I need hugs.
Please, how do I get free of this?

Susan, you are strong, you are an amazing person and you don't need SI to validate you. I have no words but please stay safe, you are such an asset to this board and help so many people. I hope and pray you are alright xx

i wish i knew what to say to help you

im so sorry susan.
i feel trapped myself.
im really not sure how to help.
please know that youre in my thoughts.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks everyone. The hugs help.

I had flashbacks yesterday. I'm glad they weren't tactile. I remembered emptying mom's ashtrays. Scrubbing years of smoke stains out of the wood shutters from the den where her sofa-throne was. Getting chewed out about the way the lawn was mowed because the lines from the wheels of the mower weren't straight! Battles about the physical therapy for my back and threats of a brace.
I wasn't even allowed to sit in my room in peace and read when I didn't want to watch what the rest of my family was watching on TV. From mom's throne she could see into the kitchen and she could see into my room.

I want to cry. And at least i've learned that it's okay if I do.

I can always use more hugs though?

thats terrible! Im sn very sorry for you, what a hellm of a life. Is it opossible to cal a special needs for her? WE have them here and they are for seniors who cant get around on their own anymore, they are called 'handy darts', maybe you have something like that?? I hope...
*Hugs you*
*leaves a boxfull for 'use as needed' :o)
romp

My mother in law is a love. She shows her caring by how she acts. I broke an ankle a few years ago and had an appointment with my psych before my cast came off. My mother in law not only gave me a lift she pushed my wheelchair; she's half my weight and was twice my age. When I stop to think instead of react to my emotions I don't mind helping her out. I'll make squares for the RYL SI awareness blanket while I wait. ;-)

It's the reminders of the responsibilities I had as a child and how helpless I was then. How my mother took it all for granted and assumed that being taken care of was her right. Her expectations and rules changed but being yelled at and paddled never did. I don't know how many times my parents threatened to break my hands if I didn't move them out of the way of the paddle. Just the thought of it makes me curl up to protect myself.

My husband knows about my childhood. He offered to take a sick day to take his mom but my work load is light right now so there's no reason I can't do it. He's being patient with the flashbacks and my nightmares. He's as nice as his mother is!

As I get the memories out and own what really happened, it takes the power out of it, bit by bit.

Sounds like you are getting quite a bit of support right now, which can only be a good thing. You are such a warm and caring person. It sounds like you had it really rough growing up and I can totally understand why you would have hang ups about looking after your mum-in-law now. But it also sounds like she is not taking advantage of your caring nature as others have done in the past and this could merely be viewed as a favour? I'm sure whichever you decide to do, she, and your husband will understand. Whatever happens, you have to look after yourself first of all.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Pam xxx

I phoned my mom in law today. The eye surgery has been scheduled for Monday February 25, 10something am.

Even though the location for the surgery is only 30 miles away, depending on traffic and me finding a place I've never been before, getting parked etc, I'll want to leave an hour before we're supposed to be there. That is 30 miles of seriously urban/suburban driving. Mom in law will object. I will remind her that I've lived here in the south part of the county 14 years longer than she has. And that she would rather be early than late. If we're too early we can always explore?

She will also be hungry and thirsty when she gets out because of course she has to fast. She may complain about the fruit juice they give her. Sigh. Solution to that problem, a couple of pints of gatorade and some bread and butter in a small ice chest stowed in the back of the car. Out of her sight and mind until we get back in the car to go home. Then she can gulp and gobble until she feels better.

I will do this this once. No committments to do it again. If it becomes a problem, I will hand these tasks over to my husband. He is okay with it. If it works out okay, great, my schedule has more flexibility than his does.

I've helped take care of my parents through one surgery each and it was pretty much thankless. My sister now lives near them and likes the idea of being a martyr in the name of helping them out.

Thanks everyone! I'm trying to find a place between responsibility and play. I've spent my time with my husband enjoying my relative freedom and being able to travel. I enjoy it so much that any threat means I just freak out and feel like that hopeless weird little girl again.

hugs hugs hugs

lots of hugs

You are such a strong and wonderful person to agree to do this even once. And so thoughtful to consider how she would be feeling before and after the surgery too. I know you might not feel strong or wonderful, but trust me you are and remember that you have control over this situation, no matter what, you have the power to say no at any time.

Take care susan

*more hugs*

xxx

I have such an amaizing, wonderful, and careing RYL Mother :-D

You are a wonderful person RYL-Mom Susan and I just wanted to let you know that.

Much love from your RYL daughter

Alyssa