where to begin...
 

I dont know if i labeled this right, I dont even know why i'm posting. I feel so bloody pathetic. I have no real problems compared to most, this is so sad. I've had issues of late, been a little stressed and then I've been sick to boot. All in all i've been off my food and as a result I've lost some weight. Now I find myself physically well again yet still I'm unable to eat. I try. But despite knowing that my lack of fuel input is contributing to my feeling crap all the time, I daren't eat for fear of putting the weight back on. I try but I can't do it. I dont know what to do to put this right.

Then on top of it all I just spent a very pleasant evening with my partner debating the why's and wherefore's of the universe as we like to do and when the subject of "lessons learned at school" came up I got as far as dealing with bullies and clammed up in a total neurotic mess. I totally flashed back to how they made me feel and can't get past that stupid nerdy quiet kid that i was back then. I try my best to keep her hidden under the piercings and tattoos and freakish outer-appearance but she still wins through sometimes and i come across like some total ass with no guts. I hate that! He knows about my SI tendancies but he doesn't get it, says all thats behind me and it should'nt bug me like it does and he's right, it shouldn't... but it does. Inside I'm still that scrawny, ugly kid that doesn't know what to say until its far too late. I've stopped hitting out at other people these days... its not their fault. It all goes inward, its easier that way. It's me that can't deal with the world, I don't know how. I'm exactly one week SI free now.. not a great feat I know, but I don't wanna have to start from scratch, but I really wanna cut right now. Would be easiest, I have to sleep and go to work in the morning, that would be the quickiest way.
I'm sorry for taking up your time, I guess I just wanted to feel like someone understands.

Congratulations on your week SI free, any time we successfully fight the urges is a victory and achievement. Part of recovery is learning to cope with things the hard way and it is bound to be hard to do, especially the first time you have a major trigger like you seem to have. Remember it is not your fault those people treated you as they did. They were simply unsure, nasty bullies who picked on someone to make themselves feel better and they do NOT deserve to have control on you anymore.

Stay strong hun, you can beat this xx

I know how this feels... all too well. I wish I could help and advise, but I don't have much wisdom to give.
SI is a really hard thing to get over, people may not understand, but it is difficult. Take it at your pace- it sounds like youve already started!
I was bullied heavily too, but, try and remember you came through it, you're a survivor and youre doing well, they were wrong to do that to you.
The low times are hard and horrible, we all desperately want them to go, but they wont be here forever.
Take care, Miriam xx

Good for you for one week free of SI.

I understand being a lost little kid. I'm that way a lot of the time too. I cover my lost little girl with science and research and reading and intellect. I refuse to dress in "grownup" clothes, i live in jeans/shorts. I've spent a lot of time out in nature which I do like but it's also a way to transform lonlyness into solitude so it doesn't matter what the old bullies said or did, i'm out of their reach.

I apreciate you lot taking time out to send kind words my way. Thank you. It can make all the difference.
Much love. xxx