Being Borderline.
 

Fear strikes from every courner of my being What, what is it that I am not seeing? Is not what I perceive what is really real? Why is it that I am the only one who sees what I see, just the way that I do? What does this mean? Surely this is what is wrong with the world right? I mean it can't be my problem. I am not afraid. I am not scared or weak or vulnerable. I need you..... NO!! ....I am strong and I don't need you. If you let me need you I won't want you anymore. I want you when you don't want me and I need you when you won't help me. It is the biting and the pain of this cold distance that I know that somehow is familiar and is the feeling that I need to give me the illusion of safety.

Feeling alone, again, abandoned as always, alone, again. I am everyone and everyone is me. Who am I again? Where does that leave me when I am alone? Who am I then? Do I cease to exist if I am not in the company of someone off of whom I can bounce my existence and from whom all of my validation must come?


What is wrong with the world? Why can't they see my pain? Don't they know how incredibly much I hurt? Can't they see that I need them to hold some of this pain for me, validate it, and take it away. Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault. I didn't do this to me. I didn't choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain and anger and grief. It is not acceptance, it is rejecting me.....but I NEED it.....what am I to do? I don't know what to do so I put it beside me. Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there....and it builds over the course of a lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don't feel it at all. I need to get what I need. I'll die if I don't. I'll just die. I am dying to live and in my attempts to live I die.


And so I have remained trapped inside this isolated place. I am a victim. It is not my fault. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt. Why don't you care? Why don't you care? Make it go away. Make it stop, just love me from over there. Love me, but don't you dare really care. It would hurt too much if you were to care. I wouldn't understand who you were caring for or about because I don't know who I am. I hate who I am and what I am. I hate whoever the hell I am.

honey, i'm so sorry, i don't know what to say. if you ever wanna talk or just rant, PM me, okay?

*cuddles*

I hear you Mari. I hear how deep your pain is. I hear how much insight you have into the inner conflicts about needing other people. I understand how much you need validation and recognition.

big hugs hun..sounds like you have a lot to deal with, and i get how overwhelming it can be. i understand what it feels like to be walking around but not really living. you aren't alone and ppl do care, even strangers like me. keep writing and getting stuff out, its healing.
pls take care sweetie
xoxoxox

it seems f**ked, really f**ked

What does?

You sound upset and angry. What are you angry about?

I totally related to what you wrote.