Valuing relationships?
 

Hey everyone.

I've been having a think recently about life in general - both the good and bad bits and I'm a bit confused about r/ship stuff.

I am an ex-self harmer, occasionally reverting back to it when I'm stressed; however, this post isn't going toinclude anything to do with self-harm.

I'm 20 and I'm starting to worry about my relationship 'cycles'. All of my relationships tend to cross over with each other and I seem incapable of being monogamous. I know that I'm still relatively young and maybe it's OK not to be settling down just yet but I'm worried about this cycle going on forever.

At the risk of making myself sound a complete b*tch, I'm the sort of person who chases after people I want and falls for them really really badly, but once I 'have them' (both emotionally and physically), I get bored and I want something new. This has happened with everyone I've been with (bar one man who I was with a year ago and I'm still mad about now). I've been described as an intellectual vulture by a friend of mine, insofar as I seem to be obsessed with learning things from the men I'm with - I only date really intelligent men - and then when I've pretty much exhausted their minds, I move on.

It's not that I enjoy leading men on, indeed I hate finishing with them so I'm not so sick that I get a kick out of it - I hate hurting people.

I dunno what it is, it's almost like I use sex as a trade-off for knowledge or something. That sounds stupid but that's the best way I can describe it. Obviously, I enjoy the sex and the relationship as well but it's the learning I can't get enough of.

It also follows that most of the men I've been with are between 20 and 35 years older than me. I like men with a past. Anyway, that's besides the point. What I wondered was if anyone else was like this at all? Or if anyone knows how I can change.

I don't believe in monogamy - I don't care if the man I'm with sleeps with other people because his infidelity doesn't end my connection with him. BUT the majority of the world now seems to care about this and I want to change my mindset so I can be normal.

Any ideas?x

You know that could've been me writing that a few years back! I know exactly what you mean about falling really hard for someone then getting bored and moving on to the next. I also hated breaking up with guys and got so stressed about hurting people it made me physically ill every time. I also wondered if that was the way it was going to be for ever. I'm now 29 and I couldn't say if it's me thats grown out of and I'm more readyto be in a commited, settled relationship, or if it's simply that I've met the right guy who is intellectually challenging enough and keeps me on my toes (which is a litle odd cos I too always went for much older guys and the one I finally settled with is 3 years younger than me) Fact is I changed my behaviour. This is not to say everyone will go the way I have, just don't worry about the cycle going on forever. Forever is a long time, and a lot can change. And don't let anyone call you a bitch or a vulture or anything like that. It must be so nice for those who are content with the first thing life offers to them! Personally, I'm all for experiencing everything before you make your mind up. x

I read this and then wondered if I wrote it haha.
I'm 20 and tbh your attitude sounds like mine so your not alone.
I don't believe in monogamy really either.. Open relationships are probably better anyways.. Like the guy im seeing now is what 30years older than me, has a girlfriend, messes about with other women aswell and its really not good moral wise but thats a story for another day.

I think hun aslong as your happy with what your doing then its ok. I know breaking up with guys is the not nice part but, it does happen. Sometimes I get scared that i'll get hardened to hurting peoples feelings and get more out of control..but I probably won't.. The likelyhood is as you get older your views will change naturally anyway.

Don't worry about it too much.

Stay Safe and Take Care.