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pLS DONT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED AND NOT SAFE; I WOULD HATE TO HAVE SOMEONE HURT BECAUSE OF ME...


i've been attendin a once weekly group therapy program, gone twice..i like it, i can see it will be of benefit.
I am 4th day of antaabuse for alcohol, appt made on monday for local addictions team, intake assessment . So i am trying...

But....

tonight the urge to cut my wrist took oover and i did, over and over, slowly, making surew it was exact same spot....
Soon i saw the veins and tendon...i was sooo tempted, so temtpted..but i stopped...

Now the bit that has me confused, (i didnt plan to suicide, just wanted to slash it open..make it REALLY ugly)

I think i am scared of the potential of being 'well'. Of progressing...so i attack myself to hide frm the world because...(this is incredibly hard to admit), i failed at the world/work/etc big time and had a total breakdown, mental ward stay and all...so who says i wont fall apart again...i think im scared...i WANT to be well...BUT I DONT KNOW HOW!!!!!!

Plus on top of this i cpnfronted my parents about the abuse growing up and they have cut off contact with us..ppl who said they loved me, never wanted us to leave like my older sister did...yet i hhave sent two emails (the first, telling them about the abuse and that three docs have assured me it counts as heavy abuse.
No reply

i worte another saying why is it they can have THEIR say but i STILL cant have an opinion or a voice as a n adult, married with a teenage daughtwer.? My hubby assures me i did right, i have no reason to feel guilty..but i do..i feel hporrible
My 'role' in the family was the 'peacekeeper' the one who made it all alright...i cant live that lie anymore...and they cant accept it..no matter whst thry did , they are still my parents. Im scared becausde they are far away and alone, no family left but mine...

Has anyone been scared to recover or similar? I wonder if this will fade? Will i accept my parents desertion and stay harm free?

Help me...I thik im terrified to try again..

thanks for reading
romp



[edit to add: FRainy in another post you said you felt to blame partly...YOU ARE NOT *in the loudest, tyruest voice i will say it over and opver*. I wanted to, the urge got me (hubby out) so i did it...pls dont feel this is uour fault. being able to talk to you, actyually on the phone has been wonderful, i love you my fellow frog-hunter)

i have cut the same way you did after not cutting for awhile i felt like i had to cut so i cut in the same spot just to make it deeper i thought it would be easier to hide but it stands out more then the rest of my scars and got infected i hope you are taking care of it and will go to a doctor if you need one. i feel that i may be afraid to get better too so ithink i know how you feel i am scared of what will happen if i get help. you are doing the right thing going to therapy and i hope you keep going as long as it helps you.

it sounds like you're doing really well, i hope you realise that. it's a massive thing to ask for help and attend therapy every week, that's something i've never been able to do - so a massive well done on that!

for the longest time i was scared of being well, i didn't know how i would cope without s.i. etc after it being part of my life for so long. it's been 6 months now, and maybe another 6 before that. what's important to me is that i never promise myself (or anyone else) that i would never do it again - i think in some ways i've accepted i might never be free from it, but i'm trying really hard, and if i slip up i feel hellish but i try not to beat myself up about it. i'm willing to try and be completely well, but i struggle a lot with feeling like a failure, so i try not to add any more pressure by saying i'll stop completely.

I realised one day that all the **** that happened and contributed to the s.i. etc had already stolen a massive part of my life, and at that point i felt that i had the strength to decide that i wouldn't let it rule my life in the same way any more. it's still there in the background - it's had too big an impact to totally forget about. there are times when it's still really hard, but the day to day struggle with myself has generally gotten a lot easier.


i agree with what vulnerome said about your parents - it's awful that this is how they reacted, but i think you did the right thing. they're maybe just scared and shocked - hopefully they can gather the strength to let you back in *hugs*.

i know everyone's situation is different - but i hope this is of some help? i don't know if i've ever spoken to you before, but you can pm or email any time you want.

skyran
xx

I think any chronic illness (of mind or body) is alot like that old, comfy, perfectly-broken-in pair of jeans that you know just don't quite fit you right any more, or they have too many rips and holes in them to be decent anymore, yet part of you is loathe to throw them away.

We begin to get comfortable with our urges, in spite of trying to stop, and understanding that they are harmful, but we accept and forgive ourselves for it anyway...to a degree. All of a sudden, we face wellness. We wonder, who the hell are we in this new existence? SH although destructive, brings a certain comfort with it: we know what to expect, we know how to handle stress. Wellness means learning a new acceptance of self, and the learning of new habits.

Hell yeah, it's frightening. You're not at all alone in feeling that.

Romp,
please keep trying. I understand. I'm finally coming to terms with the sexual, physical and emotional abuse dished out by my parents and my sister. I marked the word "NEEDY" on my skin because I feel so ugly inside during this emotional work I'm doing and I do feel so sad and wiped out and needy.
The difference between you and I is that I don't have the courage yet to confront my parents. But then too, I don't see the point. My mother is seriously emotionally ill, her emotional growth stopped when she was 11 so she is like a mean, pathetic, professionally disabled 11 year old in a 65 year old body. Since my dad retired 2 years ago, he has developed mom's mean mouth. Yuck.

Last year one of my friends said to me that my husband is my family. And a dear friend and I have "adopted" each other as brother and sister. I think of him as my brother.
Your husband and daughter are your family, the family that you made!

You are worth taking care of, by yourself and by others!
Please take care of yourself. When you can't please let us help you!

*Gives you a great big cherishing loving bear hug*

Sorry you broke.

Proud of you for this post.
Love always,
Rain