I dunno.
 

Okay

I seriously just want to pack my bags and take off. Get on a train and go somewhere. Anywhere i don't care where it is. Its not that stuff here is bad. Im just struggling and dont really want to be around anymore. I'm really sick of waking up every morning knowing that today could be the day that i go too far. It's a scary thought. But when i think about and ask myself if i'd regret going too far i say no, i wouldnt. So i mean whats stopping me? The only thing that stops me really is the thought of someone i know finding me. I don't want that. This is not living. I'm just existing right now. I'm not good. I'm not bad. I just am. Does that make sense? I've just gotten a job. I should be happy about that right. I guess im glad i got it. But i know at some point im going to let my employer down because i'm either going to end up dead or i'm going to end up in hospital. I dont want to let people down. It's 2:47am here. I havnt slept cause everytime i close my eyes i start thinking about how i would do it etc. I'm slipping back into 'hospital territory'. I dont want that. This is the longest i've been out of hospital for as long as i can remember and i dont want to go back. I'm seriously going crazy. I just want out of this life. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting. Im emotionally and physically drained.

Sorry for posting.

*********************
Next Day.

So i woke up today feeling a little more hopeful, then tonight i decide to go down to the shops cause i needed smokes and a new scrapbook. when i got there i saw 2 ambulances and a police car, i thought nothing of it really. but when i walked past i saw one of my friends and she goes to me have you heard whats happened? and i was like uhm no. Anywho long story short i found out my friend had taken an overdose. no one knows what shes taken or anything. so yeah off she went to hospital. kinda sent me from feeling suicidal but okayish to suicidal and wanting to act on it. really over going around in circles.

You're not crazy.

By reading your post you seem to think that you've ran out of life, that your apathetic, tired. But if you care so much about someone finding you, about letting people down, that says a world of things to me. You obviously still care, and you obviously still have things you want to stick around for. Hold on to that.

Good job on staying out of the hospital, and I really hope you get better!

you can get through this sweetheart ,and you seem to care alot about things in your life. things will get better even if it does not feel like it right now.

try and get some sleep hun things might feel different in the morning ,and you don't no that you are going to let your employer down none of us no what is going to happen and don't apologise for posting you are worth it

feel free to pm me if you need to talk

gill

update up the top.