Not Sure*trig*
 

I'm not entirely sure what to do. Everytime I close my eyes I see blood. I want to SI so badly, but I don't to throw everything down the drain. I am currently 3 months SI free. Actually, now that i think about it...I'm three months free today exactly. For some reason I just can't shake these thoughts. I've been trying to distract myself, but nothing seems to be working. I just feel like I am so broken on the inside. ergh! I hate this.

I don't know what i'm asking for...or if i'm even asking for anything. Maybe just hugs...maybe a good slap in the face to snap me out of it.

Firstly, CONGRATS on three months :o) !!! That is admirable.
Do you have a doc/therapist/couns./psych you can talk to? If not perhaps you could ask your GP to refer you to someone. Don't give up now...you have worked long and hard for those 3 months im sure...
What worked in the past? What controlled the urges, kept them at bay? Will those methods work again possibly?
I think your right...an hour at a time, hell ive had to go mere minutes at a time...keep fighting for 10 more minutes and it did subside
PLs feel free to contact me anytime you may want ok?
You sound like this is really important to you, so you have the right mindset, now it the lil details we can maybe help fill in when you need
thinking of you
romp

3 months is great. i since the end of november but still have the urge everyday. what i do to get through each day to get past the urges is i think of my nieces and nephews and how i dont want them to know what im doing. maybe it would help if you could think of somone you really care about it might help you get through it

First off, thank you guys so much for taking the time to read my concerns.

k, Let's see if I can answer some of your questions.
I don't go to a psych or anything. I've only ever been to one and he really pissed me off. He wouldn't listen to anything I was saying and seemed very bored with me. He even sent me to a rehab center (Which I did not check into) when I don't even have a problem with anything like that. I suppose in my mind the problem was my depression. I felt like the cutting and od's were symptoms of that...not causes. I'm thinking he had absolutely no training with SI. Anyway, that experience has made me a little weary of going to another.

Things that worked in the past...I'm honestly no sure. I think I must have just been focused on other things. Things that made me happy. My main trigger seems to be stress, which I actually think is what's going on with me right now. I finally feel ready to get a job and that is really streessful for me. My boyfriend is a big help in all this. He has a past of SI and is fully recovered. He helps to keep me calm. I think he is the reason why I've been able to go these last three months without cutting. I'm just so afraid of disappointing him. I know I should do this for me and not him, but for the moment it seems to be working.

For now whenever I feel the need to cut, I try and talk to someone to distract myself. If that doesn't work, then I cry. Ha. Sounds silly, but getting my emotions out has helped a lot. (I tend to hold things in).

I'm proud of myself...I never thought I could go this long. The other day, I found some of my tools...I threw them out! It was very very hard, but I did it! The urge is still there. I'm trying really hard to fight it. Some days..ha..some moments are easier than others.

Ah sorry this got so long!