confuzed
 

i dont know why im writing this but i have to get it out of me coz i cant do this im the most confuzed i have felt for months.. i cant put into words how im feeling right now empty maybe, confused, lost, alone, desperate... i just feel so insecure.. i cant think rationally all my thoughts are irrational.. and i dont know where to turn anymore.

i no i need help i just cant find it.. i have no support to get help here in real life.. no one knows how bad i feel.. i tried telling a friend and all she said was i had to stop hurting myself by myself and there was nothing she could do to help.. then she remarked that i wasnt as bad as i was 2 years ago.. what does she want me to do prove it to her?? is my word not good enough for her???

i have no where to turn.. im going insane my head is swimming.. i feel guilty for having thoughts i shouldnt have and then see how my faith disagrees with my thoughts then see well if i cant act on them whats the point in living and find myself looking for websites on how to overdose... thats when reality hits and i know that i cant do that! so i try to cut but thats not working.. cutting my legs doesnt work.. i need to cut my arm but i have an osce in 2 weeks so thats out of the question too.. i feel like im suffocating in this.. i dont know where to turn.. everyone i thought would help doesnt want to.. they dont care.. they dont understand how i am feeling right now!!!

i have a meeting with my personal tutor tomorrow.. i am scared i will fall to pieces in front of him.. but at the same time im scared i wont.. i am an expert at covering up the truth.. and im scared that is what will happen!!

maybe this is the stress from all my assessments i have this month.. i dont know.

im sorry this probably makes no sense.. i dont expect you to reply to this i dont deserve it.. this is attention seeking and there are more better people in the world than me who deserve your help.. im not one of them.

sorry x

firstly i want to say that you do deserve help as much as anyone else does.
im sorry that you feel like this, i know how horrible it is, ive been there before.
i can never manage to get any help cuz im so scared but i think you should try and see if there is someone you can talk to about everything, maybe just a friend or family member who is willing to listen and be a shoulder to cry on.
sorry im not to good at this advise thing.
hope everything is ok, feel free to pm me anytime.
take care
xxxx

ok huggybear, i know what your going through and atm the worst thing you can do is hide it from someone like your personal tutor, you should tell them your having problems. i know its hard (god i know) but you have to put yourself out there and try...it took me almost three years to get help, but trust me it does get better. keep us updated. lots and lots of hugzzzzzzz *huggle*
sureal xoxoxox and we all care about you!

*Big hugs* Im really sorry that your feeling like this. Firstly i would like to say that you are not seeking attention at all. Your entitled to post on here when ever you need to so please dont feel bad or feel that you shouldnt be posting because your entitled to anytime.

Im really sorry for the pain that your going through and that your having such a difficult time. Have you thought about talking to your doctor? We all care about you so much and we will do our very best to support you when ever you need it and for as long as you need it.

Im really proud of you for posting though you did the right thing. I know that its not easy talking about your feelings and that but you did really well i think your incredibly brave i really do. Your not wasting our time at all. Please dont give up though you can get through this please keep fighting through this i know its difficult but you can do this.

Best wishes Ian xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks for all your replys.. i really wasnt expecting any. i would go see a doctor but i dont think i could get anything from conventional help ive been there before and yeah they helped me in the short term.. but im looking for a long term fix.. i need christian councelling.. preferably catholic.. but i am finding it hard to find one... and somedays like today dont think the fight is worth it anymore because i feel like ive being going around in circles for the past 10 years and cand keep going around the same circles.

thanks again x x *hugs*
Charlotte x