Missing SI
 

Since I've gone on meds, the urges to hurt myself have pretty much disappeared completely. In theory, this is good. But I keep finding myself trying to sort of coax myself back into self harming again. It feels so strange being 'better'. I'm not depressed any more, I just feel empty now. I don't feel anything. In a way, that's worse that it was before. I keep trying to want to hurt myself again cos I miss just feeling something!!

Is this weird?

no its not weird, the majority of the time i feel exactly the same. My meds make me numb and non feeling most of the time, i feel that i need to cut to feel even though i dont ive been free for months but i still think about all the time, how it felt, how it allowed me to feel. Maybe have your meds lowered slightly? could you talk to your psych or dr about it?

Thanks - the problem is it just doesn't work. It really hurts - not in the 'good' way it used to - Ijust feel nothing after.

It is hard to overcome SI cause sadly it works at least for a while to make yourself feel numb and not facing the deeper issues and emotions , thats why you still feel the urges to cut despite that you are feeling better and not depressed anymore .

It will get easier by time , keep fighting !

x

It's not that I'm feeling urges to cut - it's that I don't get the urges any more and it's weird!! I miss it!!

I totally understand what you mean. I have the same thing and I've been on meds for a year now. The other day it occurred to me that I can't really feel any strong emotions at all now. I miss being in touch with how I feel. The strongest emotion I have these days is irritation or annoyance at someone or something. I can't remember the last time I cried. Or the last time I was truly happy. I'm content though and I think that its all a part of teaching yourself how to feel again.

x

I understand that. I haven't done it in a month or so and I miss it. I want it ALL the time but it's like right now there isn't a "reason" to, however stupid that sounds. I had to see my counselor today and she always wants to talk about it and it makes me want to do it more...blah.

i definitely relate.

i haven't seriously cut in about a year now...you know, with the occasional relapse, and every once in a while i want to cut just for the sake of cutting. i MISS it, and i miss the scars. i dont really know how to be without the depression and the cutting, and i'm not really comfortable being happy i guess because i just don't really know how to be it.

my emotions are bland and dull. i dont even cry anymore.

like you said, i think it's worse than actually cutting.

metallic smile: i am like you. reading that made me think i was reading something about myself...