Wanting to go back
 

I used to cut bad, like very bad, not to die though, just to cut. I was hospitalised for the severity of my cutting alone. I dont want to go back to that. But at the same time I do. I was safe there. I know if I go back it would kill me. I cant do it, because I have no blades. But that doesnt stop me wanting to. The best I can do now is break bones, and that nothing compared to what my cutting was like. I have a habit of breaking bones for self harm, I've been in countless casts of all types for until they healed. I dont want hurt my family. I dont want to stop wearing my 1 month free bracelet. I have a holiday coming up, I cant be wearing a cast for that, I just cant.
I just want to stop wanting to.

Is it just me or does anyone want to go back to their old habits, even though it might kill them?

I am exactly the same. I am doing so much better now and part of me is so happy. But there is a certain amount of security and familiarity with my SI that I seem to long after. It is strange to be torn so drastically in two over this.

exactly. I have been in residential.
cutting made me feel horrible, so alone.

but its so alluring. dangerous.

im so torn. i dont want to cut b/c of my family, and it ruins my relationships.

but, i have fantasys of going to college, being alone, and being able to cut all the time.

it scares me.

Hey sweetie.
Tbh i'm exactly the same. I'm free for 2 months but i just want to be cutting, and want to be somewhere safe, where i know.. i don't know how to explain it.
I'm always here to talk okay!
*hugs*
Bessie x

Hey Sweetie,

I can relate to this a lot and I guess it's something we are used to which is why we want to go back there. [Not hospital, just that time in general.] It is good that you have goals like going on holiday & wanting to be able to wear your 1 month free bracelet. That is such an amazing achievement to go from being admitted to hospital for the severity of your cutting to being able to where the 1 month free bracelet. You must have worked so hard & I am proud of you.

I don't know what will make you stop wanting to go back, I wish I knew myself!

I'm thinking of you, & always here for you :)

xxx