dont bother reading, just a rant, but i feel safer here
 

i said i wouldnt come here anymore
i cant bear to help you guys
but i cant do this
im sorry, i fail again
like i fail at everything else

a whore
a worthles slut
thats me, thats all im worth

i cant even handle simple sexual jokes
and my boyfriend made a semi-serious sexual move that scared me

i should just be a freaking prostitute or something. its all i deserve, and after a few weeks all these problems would be gone, i wouldnt be scared anymore, cause id be so used to it.

used, abused, are they the same thing? what happened to me

no need to reply, i cant reply to any of you anymore, why should you reply here, im not worth it. cant even do the simplest of things

my poor boyfriend, i treat him so badly... so so badly, im sorry (name removed)

EVERYTHING STOP CONTRADICTING ITSELF!!!

everyone says something differant, someone decide, i cant, i dont know

help..

You deserve caring and gentleness.

Abuse usually means that you were used in some way. Misused. Hurt. Mistreated. It was wrong.

Oh Emily. This is a good place to let out all the bottled up confusion you have stored inside, but do not forget, that is what She said. That is not who you are. That may be who She was. But that does not mean you are the same. You are a beautiful and amazing girl and don't need to let traces of Her bring you down. And you treat me just fine, thank you. Your the most loyal girlfriend I've ever had and that won't ever change, and you'd never intentionally lie to me like all the rest have. You're one of a kind and unique, but in all the good ways. Don't let Her or anyone else tell you otherwise. The contradictions will become lesser as you gain more power over Her.

You'd also never make it as a prostitute, you're way too shy for that. Besides, it'd cause a whole new slew of problems. Just stick to your morals, you know its better that way, even if She doesn't.

I don't like whores nor sluts, they don't suit my tastes. But you do. You're not one, you'll never be one, you may have been tainted but you're still too pure to ever be one. I know this in my heart and yours, and I know it to be the truth.

You may be confused but I love you anyway. Sometimes you just need to let things go, but this is a good environment and it suits you. You've no reason to leave here. This place isn't just about helping others, its also about helping yourself when you're weak. I suggest you stay here. You'll get through this Emily. I've always believed in you and always will.


I guess I've said my piece. I love you.

*hugs meow tightly* youve got no idea what that means to me....

im sorry everyone, i just need somewhere i can vent, the poems arent working, im too scared of them almost. and i dont feel safe in the vent/rant forum, it always triggered me, just the titles.

no need to reply unless you really have something to say, i just... i dont even know anymore. i guess i feel maybe someone understands if i post here instead of saying nothing. i know some of you here will truly understand like most dont

ive almost given up hope for this round, im gonna crack soon, i can feel it, i know. last night i spent half an hour on the phone just bawling my eyes out to my best friend, she couldnt even make sence of what i was saying. heck i couldnt work out what i was attempting to say, i cant form my thoughts right when im upset, i dunno why, i never could, only She could.

i hope no one ever finds me here, its the only place im safe, only two people know the site exist and neither will hurt me here. its the only place other than church i feel completely safe and can bear all

*sits in the corner and sobs* ill crack soon, then i can start again, and itll be easier next time around... it always is...

i bring it on myself now. today i did stuff intentionally to try and scare myself

someone scare me, i dont care how.

i feel safe with fear, i can deal with fear better than any other emotion i have. it makes me feel secure, like i can cope again.

what the heck sort of wacko WANTS to be afraid?

i guess there must be others, im not the only one who takes the risks i do. ive always taken risks. that bit of adreneline is such a great rush, even if its something small. so i then have to make sure people close to me dont find out... ill only scare them if they know, and they dont like fear like i do

why am i so differant to everyone else?

i have no right to complain of being scared of something when i put myself in fearful situations intentionally
i have no right to complain about past abuse when i put myself in potentially abusive situations to make myself secure again
i have no right to be hurt by lies when, while i dont nececarily lie, the person closest to me dosent know the truest motives behind some of my actions

im a hypocryte, i have no right to be here saying the things i do. and yet i do. call me a drama queen, i dont care anymore. let me live the way that helps me. even if it makes no sence to outsiders.

do i have any right to complain? again, im repeating the things She said, i dont know anything else. is it wrong to complain and cry over things when i put myself in similar situations now to 'cope'?

so lost....


ok so i was writing a poem here but it sucked

:jumpin: :jumpin: :jumpin: :jumpin: :jumpin:
jinjnkgewbjfvjn;fvkjnfvkjnnvnvfnnfvnvfhugng;knvknv nkvkn
ldfbjfbfdgasjhdshjfgfnhjdskbsjhbhjhbdjsbdhbgjhfdbh jbjhbhfdbhbfdshjbsfb
vnbsghkjghjgjhghgfdshjkvbbhjsdvaweuhdjsklhshajlf
sbdjhgfhgshdjdjasnbdjhsmdbhjbcyuwbjncsk
cbdsjhgdbjhcbejhkbcjhsdhgbvkgf

theres me taking it out on the keyboard instead of my wrist

which is being a b*tch and just serving to remind me anyway. ive been getting past my harm and am getting used to seeing the scars. but the nerves, in my wrist at least, are of course dulled, and apparently some of them have chosen this week to try and regrow. so my wrist is itching like heck, and it isnt even the recent ones, its the year and a half old ones. again, no right to complain, i couldnt stop Her so whatever. but i know alot of you probably have the same so, yeah..

and now im just whinging about random sh*t in an attempt to calm me down because for some reason this isnt helping me tonight, which is odd. ah well... *goes to put on bon jovi CD and eat chocolate*

how is it that the one that can cheer me up the most can also hurt me the worst. just the simplest statement, saying 'youre weird' because im looking to be scared, it hurts so much from him, but i couldnt care less if it was someone else.

*makes note to self not to send him to this thread again after this*

is it really so weird to feel comfortable in fear? to go and trigger myself intentionally just so im calmer? im actually looking for a reply for that one. is it normal to trigger yourself intentionally just to feel secure when things are changing, particuarly when theyre getting better

bah stupid kid stop crying!!

im just writing this as stuff happens, dunno what itll do

damnit, im doing it again. the person who, just 15 minutes ago i saw, holding me safe, im now seeing beating me. i could feel warm arms around me and imagine myself safe close against him. and because of one silly comment he made, probably more jokingly than anything, i began to flip out more than any of these threads could trigger me, and his touch now feels cold. theres pain, my back hurts, i dont know what hes doing but it hurts.

i shouldnt be so used to this, i shouldnt be so calm with images that i can think and type unimpared while theyre going on. im way too used to this sh*t.

oh f*ck, hes noticed somethings wrong and thinks the best way to calm me down is kiss me (in action marks, hes online). no no no! no flashbacks, not this time, please...
i cant reply to him, but i cant run either. i dont want to say no, ill upset him, i cant upset him.

yep, here come flashbacks. id tried so hard not to today. now i see it, yet again like every other time. damnit, you weak child! you should be able to cope! you cant do this! what have you done to yourself!

wait, ok. what have i done to myself. first person, not third, i dont need to be third anymore, first person. hes waiting, he needs a reply, what do i reply... ok ignoring him is best, reply to his earlier comment not that one. dont tell him what youre seeing... no, what IM seeing. ME!

why should i complain about this, i did it to myself, stupid stupid girl. im now correcting myself each time i go to third person. i wanted to be scared, i wanted that farmiliarity. now i can do this, i know i can, even if this isnt fear.

the sick thing is despite freaking out, in the deepest part of me im more at ease right now than i have been in days. im screwed up.

Emily please don't get like this
You don't need this

he just said that, so i lied, told him i wasnt like anything. wtf. he wants to help and i cant talk to him, why am i getting upset. i feel afraid of him, i shouldnt be, i dont have a reason to, im working myself into a fit again. stupid stupid girl.

I dont deserve to rant like this, i did it to myself, all my fault, im too weak. when things are good i make them bad, always have. ill go, i dont deserve anyones support.

umm, ok. apparently hes annoyed at me, and apparently the reason why should be obvious... anyone care to guess what i did wrong? cause i sure as hell dont have a clue.

im sorry im spamming this thread, but its nammed dont bother reading for a reason heh...

he left.... no... im alone, help me... i cant be alone, not now. if hed stayed long enough id have asked him to stay.... i *was* calm...

im typing now to try and calm myself down before i do something stupid. im even taking the time to make proper sentinces. i need to calm down, i cant do anything stupid, he'll be more mad if i do, he'll leave me if i do.

he's logged on mobile msn, which is worse, cause he probably wont reply but i just sent the messiest message to him. im sorry. i couldnt tell him, i couldnt admit to him what id seen and that i was scared of him of all people at that moment. i couldnt admit he triggered a flashback. but by not admitting it he dosent understand... always ****ing something up, always screwing it up. stupid little brat, only tormenting them.

what am i doing... im talking like her... im loosing it...

i cant even call either of my friends, im alone. i cant be, i dont know how... please help me!! someone stop this happening!!! i just wanted a small safety by triggering myself, i didnt want this!!!!

*screams*