Can't Cope With My Head Being Wrecked
 

hi all, not good at opening up but someone gave me advice and said it would be easier to explain what happened so people understand me so here goes, from a child i was very close to my dad he was my no.1 i trusted him with my life and would die for him. however when i was getting older i started to notice him looking at me different, he hated me having boyfriends and would always say he would learn me how to kiss and he did at the time this was normal to me as he was my dad and i though every girl went through this. I guess this was the start of him grooming me, he would pic my clothes and i always sat on his knee this also made me feel uncomfortable especially when he was drunk. i cant remeber how old i was at this stage but i remeber this was when he started asking me to touch him and i did, i always wanted to prove how much i loved him and this seemed the right was, i always feared and felt scared though when i was asleep i new he would come in the room and touch me. As i grew older he never seemed to let me grow up i always felt i needed him otherwise i couldnt cope. The when i was 19yrs he raped me all over the living room while my mum and brother were in bed i tried to cry out but the words wouldnt come i pryed for help but noone helped that night i died and i always remeber him saying your ok ive had the snip u wont get pregnant and know u will always be a part of me.

One thing i dont understand is i always new one day this would happen and i cant understand why i allowed this i feel guilty , my partner knows and its ripped us apart becayse i still see my dad i've kept this secrete away from mum and brother as i'll carry the pain for them and i dont want them to feel this hurt.

my life is full of role playing and i dont know who i am,

I blame myself for allowing it and i still love my dad i get so confused my heads so ****ed up !!!!!

My story is very wishy washy but i find it hard to talk and explain about this i'm know 30 and my lifes still falling apart, i've had to grow up so quick i cant remeber being a child and i'm always longing for cuddles and love but even that doesnt take the loneliness away. I'm never settled and cant relax and dont enjoy anything anymore.

This is all i can say at the moment thankyou for reading this. Notsure why i'm posting this maybe i need help or just need soemthing else, who knows not me

Hey, I can't say I can relate to what you've been through and don't know how much help I can be but I can say I feel sorry for what you've been through and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty about anything, you have done absolutely nothing wrong...even if you knew it wasn't right (before the rape) as a young girl it must be so so hard to tell anyone what was happening to you and you said you always thought you needed him, maybe you just thought on some level it can't be true and he would never actually do that...

I certainly don't feel you should share this burden alone, as hard as it is tell trusted friends, maybe even a counselor? (if you haven't already and really can't tell your mum or brother - I do understand why you wouldn't want too), they can help you too...

Sorry, I probably haven't been much help as i've never been through anything like this but please remember you have done nothing wrong!! I hope you find the help you need.

Darren

thankyou for replying just knowing someone takes the time to read my sorry helps me. xx

im really sorry this happened to you. and i can relate in so many ways.
my father did the same to me, only i was much younger and it went on for a period of years. what i understand is still loving him. ive gone through this confusion for years but have been told by many therapists that its normal. however, that doesnt take away the pain or confusion. and my father died 4 months ago but the confusion and pain still lives on in me.
if youre not seeing a therapist or someone, maybe that would help.
also, sharing this with someone and talking about it might also help, even if just a friend.
pm me anytime if you need/want.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

Sometimes when a parent does something like this to you, you're so in the habit of thinking that you love them, thinking that you still love them or should love them. It takes time to realize that love has died or has been so manipulated and twisted so it choked to death.

My molester was my mom. She did it because she is mentally ill and at some level thought I was competition against her for my dad. I'm taking some time and putting emotional and mental space between us and am seeing things lots more clearly. I don't see her alone, I won't talk to her one on one. She has never loved me for many reasons all of which have to do with her and her reactions to me.

What your father did to you wasn't about love, it was about posession.

PM me if you want to talk. Over the next week it may take me a couple of days to get back to you but I will get back to you!
Cherishing Hugs

Cant really relate or offer any advice
just wanted you to know i read your story and i am always here
a friendy ear or a shoulder to cry on

sending massive hugs ur way

Hey, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I think you're really brave and resilient for getting through that and trying to make a life for yourself, finding a partner, trusting, and loving. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. However our parents are when we're kids-- we just assume that's normal and that's what everyone else's parents are doing too when they're alone. How are we to know otherwise? And we NEED our parents-- they feed us, clothe us, support us, and are our source of love and affection. As a kid, all you can do is try to get that attention and support any way you can, and if there are huge trade-offs, and if you have to think of yourself as bad to maintain that-- that's what you do. It's not like you had the option of a dad who would love you and NOT molest you. What you did was normal, making the best of the hand you were dealt. You're not at all to blame for 'allowing' the abuse to happen. I don't think you really had a choice at all. It's also very normal to have mixed feelings towards your parents. I really struggle with this myself, thinking of the good things and the bad things that my parents did. But at this point in your life, you need to focus on yourself, and the things you need to do to be okay. Like others have said, therapy can be very helpful, and so can rules about protecting yourself around your family, like not seeing your dad alone, and/or only seeing him in public settings. You can still love your dad AND at the same time feel betrayed and angry for the way he abused you and used your affection for him. You can still love him AND put up boundaries that you need to protect yourself and keep yourself safe, emotionally and physically. You have spent a long time trying to protect others, it sounds like-- your mom and brother, and I bet your dad too. It's time for you to protect and care about yourself, because you deserve a good life. I hope you find RYL a good source of support. Please take care.

Popcorn

i'm really sorry for what heppened to you. but it was not in any way your fault, when we are young we don't understadn these things and naturally asume what our parents to do to be right... sometimes this trust is abused...

I can't really say i relate, I was too raped, but not by a parent. What I can say though is it will probably be easier to not go through this alone... perhaps speak to a counciler or a friend/your partner about this. you would be burdening anyone, and it could help you alot.

not really sure what i can advice to be honest... but i hope that people here help and that things improve for you. good luck

im wondering how youre doing now?
update us if you get the chance?
much love.
xxxxxxxxx