so I unspooled earlier...
 

Yep. I was told, when I went to try and face up to and sort out the £2000 I owe uni, that I may owe significantly more, thousands of pounds for tuition fees I'm not meant to pay as far as I know. Something to do with only being allowed to repeat the year once.

I was feeling so ridiculously overwhelmed. I argued with my boyfriend in the car again, over something so minor, and he started driving wrecklessly, breaking hard. When I got home I drank a bottle and a half of red wine and was so drunk I just completely broke down. Lying on the floor, barely coherent, screaming (literally, very loud, it was scary) and sobbing and saying things like "I want my daddy". It was quite scary, it went on for a couple of hours like that. I haven't been anything close to that for at least a year or two and I haven't been quite as bad since I was about 18. Even then, I think this was worse. My boyfriend was amazing though. I've never seen that side of him, he just held me and tried to calm me down and was trying to tell me I'm a grown woman and don't need to be looked after etc.

I'm so exhausted, I feel drained and afraid. Now I know more than ever how ill I am. I appreciate my counseller but I need...I don't know, medical treatment. I should go to a doctor. I was very close to cutting my wrists so that I could go to hospital but the hysteria got in the way.

i think that seeing a doctor or therapist would be a really good idea - you deserve some help.

i am so sorry about your uni fees. is there a friend or family member you could tell about it who would help sort it out for you?

good luck xxxooo

that sounds terrible for you, I am so sorry. Please you should see a doctor, hope you are feeling a bit better today if only a little bit compared to that night. many hugs xxxx

wow...i could have written that myself minus the uni fees. when i used to drink, i would drink lots and cry and scream and sob on the floor. it was very scary and im sorry you had to go through it. im glad your bf was there to help.
much love to you.
xx

Perhaps the new found self awareness is a good thing. This was meant to happen and happen for a reason. Please get the help you need!

Take care

Matthew xxx

I haven't got anything useful to say that hasn't already been said just Take care! *hugs*

Thank you all for the hugs and encouragement. Knowing I have this space makes me feel better. I stayed up till 9.30am watching Six Feet Under today. I feel like I cheated, like I'm weak, because I fell asleep then and didn't wake till 3.30pm. I feel sick, my head is fuzzy. I am thinking a lot about cutting my wrists bad, making it look like a suicide attempt. I need kind hands to bandage me and treat me like I'm special, to be submerged in that medical safety, with the injections and the smells. Then they will know what they've done to me, why they can't expect these things from me, and I will be safe to write and to do my work in peace.

You are a special person.