To my cousin...
 

I tried phoning you today, but of course you weren’t there. You haven’t been there for over a year now. I just wanted someone to understand that I’m not ok. Someone who knew what I feel, someone who I didn’t have to explain everything to. I’ve needed you so much over these past few weeks. First John, then Grandad, and now the rest. I tried phoning him too this evening. He wasn’t there either, and I think I probably just made everything else so much worse, for your mum, especially. I don’t know why I bothered, it’s not like I could have heard him speaking. Not unless it was 8 years ago. I wish…. I wish everything was different. I wish you were still here. You were my rock, hun, and I failed you. I don’t deserve anything you gave me, hell, I don’t deserve anything anyone’s given me, I’ve just thrown it back in everyone’s faces. Gods, I’m seriously losing it tonight. I don’t know why I’m writing this, but I miss you, and John and granddad so much right now, and I don’t know how I can ever get over this.

I don’t know why I’m posting this, I don’t know why I’m wasting space with this, and I don’t know what I expect to get from this. So, I’m sorry.

sends you a hug, its not a waste of space or time telling people how much this one person meant to you, you care so much about your cousin and s/he was always there for you, sends a hug and be safe x

*sends you huge hugs* I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I know how it feels to feel completely alone. You cannot say you failed anyone because ultimately you cannot control other people's actions. And I know that may seem impossible to believe but it's true.

Everyone is entitled to a little happiness regardless of anything they may think they have done.

I'm sorry I can't be more use. Have you tried talking to anyone about this? Family/friends/counsellor?

this isnt a waste of space - i am so glad you got a chance to talk about it and vent a bit
lifeisabitch is right - people cant be helped if they dont accept it and you did not fail anybody because all you can do is try and that means so much and i am sure it meant a lot to them even if they were not able to accept it

you may not be able to talk to the people you mentioned, but there are still people you can talk to if you feel like you are unsafe. as mentioned maybe you could try a counselor or a friend - talking always helps

good luck xxxooo