Yeah I've got reasons - bad ones
 

I won't ever be a mother. I won't ever fall in love. I done know how it feels to be human. I don't know if I even am. Why stay here?

most, okay maybe not all, of those things are things that could change? so suppose one could argue that if you stay alive and not dead you allow for the possibility that those things could change?

Not being a mother, is that a biological thing or something you fear?
Why shouldn't you fall in love?
What about your experience isn't human?

Apologies for bluntness, I just want to understand.

You don't know if you 'are'? You most certainly 'are'. I'm sorry you feel like you won't experience some things and think you don't know how it feels to be human but you are a human and you are feeling human things. Are the things you think you'll never be able to achieve important to you? As people have said they may actually happen.

Camden yep that's super logical thank you. It just seems a long way away when I'm just not functioning well.

Tamo it's something I don't think will be possible because I keep shutting down. I'm not a contiinuous beiing I'm dead half the time and if I'm dead half the time how can anybody fall in love with me?
The not humanness is being dead half the time. Yeah I understand, thank you for your clarifying questions.

Lindsay thank you. It feels nice to have someone say that I am definitely hunan but I don't think the things I feel are definitely human.

What if you got help with the shutting down and feeling dead?

Really difficult to get my head around that because my head says 'if you're dead why would you need help with being dead?

I can understand that! But what if the dead thing was a feeling, not a fact?

Can you communicate when you feel dead? What is it like?

I can't communicate when I feel dead. I don't know, there are holes in my soul, maybe not literal ones but sometimes they feel like it. If there are always holes and there are always going to be then I don't want to be here.

Have you experienced any loss or trauma that might have left these holes in your soul? Please don't answer if it's too triggering or upsetting. People can learn to live with holes, they can shrink them, and even fill them with something that makes them feel more human. It's often hard work and can seem like you have been trying for so long but it's worth continuing. You said before that your head sometimes says 'if you're dead why would you need help with being dead?' Can you sometimes see that you're not dead? What would really dead mean to you? With you being human death can be painful and sometimes go wrong leaving you with more holes and more human problems that might just make you feel worse. Have you considered any other solutions there might be?

Could what you are describing as feeling dead potentially be dissociation? Cos dissociation can make you feel disconnected and numb and not real.

Lindsay - I don't recall any trauma that has left me with holes. I would like to fill them but I don't know how. I long to be held by someone who knows me and accepts me and keeps me safe but I don't know that that will happen any time soon. I don't recall a time when I wasn't dead right now, maybe as a child? Really dead could mean this right now..But I'm confused because sometimes I have thoughts that if my body is dead then I could transform (into someone who is human)
In terms of other solutions I can't rule out what Jen says re dissociation

Do you have any support right now? Someone you could explore the possibility of dissociation with?

How are things going?

Things are a little up and down. I think it's becoming clear that living with my mother. I have been staying in a hotel for most of this week and have felt better. When I'm at home I feel sick.

I have failed my year of Doctorate because I was dead. I am going to appeal but my course director hasn't been supportive really.

It's good that you've managed to have time away from your Mum if she was affecting you so badly. I don't know your situation, do you have to stay with her? Can you explain what was happening when you felt dead that has led you to fail? I'm sorry that has happened. Will it just be your course director that makes the decision of what happens now based on your appeal or will there be other hopefully more supportive people involved?

Is there any support staff within the uni who could help with your appeal?

It's....she said I'm up to something, she knows it and it will all come out. She said 'if you and your friends are plotting something so plot away. How can she know? I haven't told her anything.

That must be really unsettling =S I wonder if it's maybe worth trying not to get bogged down in where she's getting her ideas from and focus on you? Not trying to invalidate how unpleasant that must feel but more to try to elevate your safety and wellbeing above anything to do with her?