This is it.
 

Something dawned on me, recently. After the worst two years of my life, I am okay with not being here anymore. I'm strangely, eerily calm about it. I don't want to be dissuaded. Life feels... Lighter now. Nothing is permanent, nothing hurts me as much as I thought. I have given up on fighting. I look around me and I say that this is not so bad. That's it's going to be over, soon. I don't know how to feel about it.

Hey there, it sounds like you're in a dark place. I am not sure whether to read this post as a suicide note - are you able to clarify what you're looking for from this thread?

Not quite like one. I don't know what it is. It's just that I have accepted it somehow. That there is no way out now I'm not angry or sad or anything and I don't know how to interpret this.

When people think they have found a solution to issues it can leave them feeling very calm and maybe a bit blank. Suicide is never a solution though as it can go very wrong and make things worse. There will be other solutions that you maybe can't see right now because of how things are. Do you have any support?

Not really, no.

Who is in your life? Do you feel able to reach out to a helpline even? Or go to your GP to see if you can get some professional support? You don't have to be on your own with things. You're only feeling this calm because you have reached a dangerous level of thinking.

I don't think I have no one anymore. My relationship with my family basically eroded to nothing. I don't feel comfortable talking to therapists because they try to make you feel better instead of making things better. I have suffered so much and for so long that I can't see anything else...

we can very much empathise and relate.

is there anything that would make staying alive more bearable or less awful? no matter how big, small, or impossible it seems? or do you think that there's absolutely nothing that would help in any way (again regardless of impossibility)?

I don't know where to even begin looking for it. Sorry for the terse replies, but I feel completely at loss at what to do.

that's okay. for us, that's usually where we start. figuring out what would need to change or be different in order to make being alive less awful.

if you're unsure, what types of things are you referring to when you talk about having suffered for so long? or with regards to not having anyone? those might be the things that you might be referring to?

you don't have to answer any questions you don't feel up to. just trying to give you some things to think about.

if that's unwanted feel free to say so. wasn't 100% sure what you were looking for from your thread.

It's ok, friend, I didn't know either. As my headspace is getting clearer I realize that maybe I am scared being so eerily calm at having these thoughts. Thing is, my life is not in a good spot. I lost my job and I'm back living at my folks who are themsleves going trough a rough patch. Their marriage is in a bad spot and I fought with my father who I used to love and admire a lot, but now I am growing disillusioned. It hurts a lot that I feel like that, but I don't know how to process it.

that does sound like an incredibly difficult physical and mental space to be in. no wonder being dead makes sense and feels calming! but also scary.

it also sounds like some of those big things are potentially things that could change given time. do you think it's worth waiting it out and staying alive to see if they do? being dead will always be there as an option later on if so. sometimes for us just knowing it is still an option is helpful.

I'll have to admit that the thought has been tempting, but now I feel shaken...

shaken in what sense?

Scared. Nervous. Of how I feel.

I can understand that, it is a very scary thing to face up to how you feel about death when those feelings are not what you would usually expect. Try to acknowledge how you feel but keep in mind that you are feeling that way because things are difficult and hopefully these scary feelings will pass with time.

that's valid. it's a lot of big stuff to be feeling!

we're definitely here if you feel up to and want to talk through any of it.

for us, wanting to be dead is generally a sign that something in our life needs to change. we don't know if it's the same for you but it kind of sounds like it. for some folks, trying to change smaller things can sometimes help - whether that's a hair cut, clothing style, etc.. just anything to try to get unstuck and shift things a bit in a different direction. especially since you can't really change some of the bigger stuff in your life right now.

I could try, but I am tired of making only small changes. I feel weak and powerless, a spectator of my own life. I really wish that, for once, my opinion mattered to those close to me. I wish that people listened to me for a change.

definitely understand that. you deserve to be heard.

And it never happens. It will never happen. I don't think I can live at home anymore. Life at home is getting unbearable. I can't escape. Can't go anywhere. Feels like I'm choking.