I’m an even bigger failure than I thought
 

Out of curiosity, I decided to revisit some of my old post from this site. Some were as old as 12 years ago! That may have been a mistake. It brought back a lot of painful memories and made me realize just how awful I really am as a person!
I’ve known that I’m nothing but a screwup and a failure for quite a while but in revisiting my old post. I realize it’s even worse than I thought. Nothing has changed in a dozen years! I really should’ve taken my life back then and I regret not doing so! All I did was waste 12 more years. Now I’m just an older, miserable screwup and failure who is wasting time and resources from the rest of the world!

I don’t know what I’m allowed to say here, but I’m gonna be blunt right now. I’m not well! I want to die and I regret not dying much sooner. I just don’t know how to do it! I truly feel the world will be better without me and I’m sorry I wasted 12 more years With still nothing to show for it.
Back then I was a 24-year-old unloved failure, now I’m simply a 36 year old unloved failure who has just wasted more time!

I hate myself!
I’ve got nothing and I’ve got nobody and nothing has changed in 12 fucking years! I’m worse than I thought…..
I’m really sorry I’m still alive. I shouldn’t be! I regret not pulling the trigger on myself 12 years ago, or 6 years ago, or 4 years ago….or even 2 years ago

If you read this whole thing thank you and I’m sorry if I wasted your time. Some of the people from 12 years ago who reply to my Threads back then are still here now. I’m sorry I’ve wasted a dozen years of your lives. I’m sorry for my constant repetitive posts. I’ll leave everyone alone now….

Sorry you feel like nothing is changing. It's hard to look back at previous posts but remember they will all have been when you have been struggling so won't contain anything positive really. Can you identify any even small things that have been good in the past 12 years? Do you know what the barriers are that prevent things from changing in the way you want them to?

Ironically, I was hoping to revisit old posts to motivate myself, and feel better about myself. I was hoping to read the post and think “WOW! Look how far I’ve come along!”
Unfortunately, it had the exact opposite effect as it showed the exact opposite to be true.

I guess in all fairness, I shouldn’t say that nothing has changed. I live in a different location than I did back then. Back then I had been single for eight consecutive years, and was desperate for a relationship. Now I just have a plethora failed relationships behind me. Either way, I’m still just as lonely! At the time of those particular posts, I was unemployed. Now I’ve gotten a whole bunch of failed jobs behind me. Fortunately, I am currently employed. 12 Years ago was the year I finally finished college after six years. So I guess there is that. I guess what really is true it’s not so much that nothing has changed so much as I always end up exactly right back where I started with nothing more to show for it! I guess you could call it a case of the more things do change the more they actually stay the same.

I honestly don’t know what’s been standing in my way or what’s preventing me. If I knew I would change it. Reading those old posts and seeing how I honestly could’ve written them yesterday just further cements my belief that I truly don’t belong in this world. I should’ve just died back then save everybody a lot of time!

To whomever it may concern,

After a complete breakdown the other night that resulted in a call to a crisis center, I’ve decided I need to reenter the world of therapy. Those who know my history know how difficult this is for me. Therapy has benefited me in the past, but in other cases it’s brought me more heartache and even made my life worse at times. I’ve got a complicated relationship with therapists. So I’m only doing this because I feel it is absolutely necessary at this point!

Wish me luck!

I can wish you luck! I really hope this therapist is right for you and you feel like you've made progress.

I hope therapy will help you move forward and feel better about your life. Have you thought about what specific type of therapy would suit you?

that sounds like a fantastic idea to try therapy again. hopefully you can find someone you get on with and it will be a help for you.

*Sorry for the post that was here earlier. It’s been deleted*

Are you ok? I didn't see your post. It's ok to say whatever you need to.

No, not ok, far from it.

Basically, my previous post was me deciding NOT to go in the therapy for multiple reasons. The first being that I’m not sure I can afford it right now. Also, as previously pointed out I always end up right back where I started anyway so I’ll just be a waste of my time. Also, I don’t wanna waste a therapist’s time because there’s a lot of other people out there who need help, people with more meaningful lives, people who arey complete screwups like I am, people with a purpose, people worth saving. I had decided that I was not worth saving!

I realize that may be upsetting, and too much for someone to handle, so I randomly deleted the post and apologized. Unfortunately, I do still feel the same way. Part of me wants to go to therapy. The other part of me believes would be a waste of my time and of other peoples time. I believe it won’t work, so maybe I shouldn’t even bother. I’m just not worth it!

I think therapy is worth a chance if you can find something you can afford. It might not be the same as the therapy you've had in the past. I know you feel like you haven't moved forward but time has passed, you're older, and you will be slightly different and may be in a better place for therapy to be useful. You could maybe have an initial meeting with a therapist and see what they think they could help with and decide from there.

there are definitely low cost/sliding scale/free options out there for therapy. it can take a bit of looking sometimes but they do exist.

the thing is, without taking a chance and trying something, nothing will ever change. so you're right that it can't fail if you don't go. but you also aren't even giving yourself the option to try it to see if it doesn't work.

our general mentality with therapy is heavy skepticism, and it's okay to be up front with a therapist about that. what we say is, we don't think this will help, we haven't had it work in the past, but we also need to try something, so on the off chance it will be different and help, here we are.

also, it's actually pretty selfish to make the decision for yourself that you aren't worth helping or therapy. that should be something the therapist decides. if they think you aren't a good fit, then they can say so. but to just up and decide that, honestly, just sounds like an excuse.

it's hard. it's scary. it's something that may not work. but that doesn't make it not worth trying.

and honestly, one thing most therapists are pretty good at is just listening. and given how you post on here about being so lonely, it might be a good first step to work on how to reach out irl about what's going on and may help you feel a bit less alone. even if it doesn't work to change things, having someone who will actually listen to you about this stuff and validate what is going on, being heard, is actually worth more than you might think.

if you want to share your location (state), what type of insurance you have, and your budget for what you can afford, we can try to help look up some options. please don't PM us but if you post it here, we can always let you know when we have read the info and you can delete it after if you don't want to leave it up.

My most recent therapist was someone from BetterHelp.com. I could afford that even back then and can still afford it now.

I saw her for 2 years from early 2020 til early 2022. She got me through the pandemic, helped lead me to my current job, and even encouraged me toward my most recent relationship. Now, granted, I ended up completely failing at the latter 2 things but that’s on me not her. She ended up leaving the website to take her practice elsewhere and I didn’t have it in me to try a new therapist and didn’t feel it was necessary at the time. I could give BetterHelp.com another go?

HOWEVER, i’ve heard a lot of really negative things about it since that time including that their therapists aren’t fully qualified and the website even sells personal information. Anyone else hear this? Anyone else have an opinion on Better Help? Is it worth it to go back? It is one of the few options that would be affordable to me at this time and the fact that I already have some familiarity with it does give me a certain level of comfort. Plus, I already have an account on the site so I will just need to change my payment method and request a new therapist. It’s certainly the easiest and quickest option at the time. I’m just very unsure about them because of what I’ve heard!

we've heard pretty horrible things about better help from an ethical standpoint. and personally even if we could afford it would not use it.

but that said, if it's something you've tried and had a good experience with, and can afford, then it sounds like it's worth trying again! definitely would lessen the barriers if you've got it mostly set up. :)

What specifically have you heard about Better Help’s poor ethics? I really need to know what I’m potentially getting in to if I decide to get involved with them again. I also need to know if I’m potentially endorsing anything dangerous that may be harmful to other people by being involved with better help (i.e anti-LGBTQ+ views)

mostly just that they treat their therapists badly and underpay them. we also feel that it tends to encourage poor boundary setting among therapists/clients. we've also heard iffy stuff about information sharing too.

but again, if it is something that has helped you in the past, then it sounds like it's worth trying again, even if there are potential issues. your own comfort is important, and you can always quit if you find it unhelpful this time.

that said if you can afford better help, you'll likely be able to afford a private therapist too. better help is really expensive.

edit to add: would also question whether or not you're asking about the ethical issues as an excuse to just say nevermind it won't work.

it could also be worth contacting the old therapist you liked to ask for referrals. even if you can't afford her now in private practice, she might be able to suggest someone who would be a good fit, since she does know you.

No, no I was asking the ethics question just to make sure. I wasn’t going to use it as an excuse. Better Help is the easiest way for me to go about this. I just re-logged onto my old account and I still have my old therapist contact info, so I will definitely take that option and see if she can refer anyone else.

that's awesome. if that's the easiest option for you then definitely try it! :)