Not knowing
 

Not sure how best to express myself.

Things have been getting worse the last 6 weeks.

The last few days I've been in and out of med hospitals for cuts. I've been trying to cut the implant(s?) out. My neck is covered in dressings. Yesterday I also cut my arm to punish myself for telling people the truth about the Man and the implant and the Organisation. He wasn't happy with me talking.

There are no psych beds available, thank goodness. The waiting list is 60! I still want to try again and go deeper but my mum says that any deeper would be really dangerous. I also know that I'm upsetting my sister N. She and Mum are meant to be going on holiday together soon and I don't want them to cancel because of me.

Today I tried calling the Crisis Team as instructed. Got told to have a bath. I told her I hate baths and she ignored me. So I went with my mum's plan of PRN and whatever I can find to distract. I am now feeling calmer.

I will probably add more to this soon.

I feel bad relying on TV and prn. If that's what it takes, blotting out reality, shouldn't I be engaging with reality and getting this damn implant out? But I don't want to inconvenience my family.

This all sounds really scary. I know a lot of this happened at the weekend but are your CMHT aware?

Necks are pretty dangerous to mess with, implant or no - if it was someone else would you be concerned?

CPN is aware.

If it was someone else I don't know what I would think.

Just saw Z from CT again. She offered informal admission, to put me on the waiting list, and I said no, so she said they'll do a MHA, but I don't care because there are no beds to section me to! They're coming out tomorrow afternoon.

I hope that you can be safe until they come out to see you. I don't know how things work where you are but I hope that if you do have to go to hospital they find you somewhere safe.

I would strongly recommend informal. I know that’s a really scary prospect though. But with informal you have a degree of control. The bed situation is shit at the moment and they will detain you to any available bed, even if it’s 200 miles away (obviously they try not to). You said you don’t care about MHA cos no beds, in which case, why not agree informal and work with them until a local bed becomes available?

Not got many words but wanted to leave some hugs.

Sounds like things are really tough right now

How are you today? I hope something you find helpful can be done to get you out of this tough patch.

If I agree I will be put on a 60 person waiting list and spend 4 weeks on tenterhooks waiting to tell them I don't want the bed after all. If I let them do a MHA even if they do want to section me they can't because there are literally no beds so they have to leave me alone.

They won't leave you alone.
If you are sectioned, you won't be allowed to remain home while on section.
I was told they always find beds for sectioned patients. And that's always been my experience. They have always found a bed.

But because there are no beds, they won't section me.

That's not gonna stop them.
If they think you need to be sectioned for safety, they aren't just gonna be like 'oh ok, never mind' if there are no beds immediately available. But they will make space, trust me. People get discharged every day.
I've had AMHPs sit with me for 7 hours in my house until a bed was found.
Or in a 136 suite despite not being on a 136

I need to prove I'm right.

Probably not going to help your case
I did EXACTLY the same thing years ago
The nurses said i was dangerously close to getting my spinal cord.
Could have been paralysed for life
It's a dangerous area to mess about with

is there a way to prove you are right without removing it or such risk to you? like can it be disabled or something instead?

That would be really good. I thought maybe an x-ray but honestly I wouldn't trust them not to be in league with the Organisation and show me a fake scan.

Did they come out to see you today Tamo? I think that working with them to consider informal admission sounds like a good option - as people above said, they'll not decide not to section you just based on bed availability if they feel you need it for your own safety.

Is it important that you 'prove' things? You manage to live with how things are really well at points. I hope you can get the right help and get back to a better place.

Abstract - Crisis came to see me but no one for a MHA yet.

Osc - proof is important so they can stop saying it's a relapse.

People saying they will use any beds - our region refuse to pay for out of area beds.

Both my friend R and the Crisis Team psych asked me for specific examples of the Organisation putting thoughts in my head. I realised I couldn't remember any. I can remember the voices telling me things, and telling me that the Organisation can do this - but no concrete examples.