RYL Forums - i really dont f**king care anymore. I hate me

Just had my psych appointment. That went ok and im going back on the mirtazapine. I cant handle trying anything else right now.

Its what happened afterwards that im devestated about. At the end, my social worker asked me to leave the room while she spoke to my doctor. I know deep down its normal (ish) but i hate it. It makes me paranoid and on edge. After she came out i asked her why and what happened. She said that she will talk to me about it when we get back to mine. Which we did.

In my blog it explains that i spoke to her last week about a few things i wasnt happy about. Like her working 3 days a week and feeling high and dry cause i havent been well. Making decisions about how often to see me without discussing it and a really big confusion about my outreach support...which i still dont know what really happened.

To cut a long story short, she thinks im ****ing 'fine'. She basically said that, although i am still having the thoughts, im not acting on them so im better than i was. Kind of agree but ive told her I AM NOT WELL atm and basically she said im not actively trying to commit suicide so i need less support. wtf? So i have to do something to get some help when im not well!

She asked if she was missing something. I was like yeah, clearly. Its like she thought i tried to change meds for fun or something. And im not more convinced that she thinks i was making the 'seeing things' thing up (see blog). Wtf would i do that...seriously!

Even tho i have told her im not well, its not good enough. She wants to know HOW im feeling. I try to explain but its the one thing im not very good at and she's been working with me for the last year and half...she ****ing knows that.

To top it all, not only has she said all this when im not well and currently on no anti-depressent, but she said she is cutting my hours for outreach. Apparently my outreach worker agreed. Wtf?

As far as im aware she has been on my side with it all. Well not side's but she has been agreeing with me. Apparently im more active so the service isnt neccesaryily required anymore. At what point am i more active when ive been out once in 5 days and that was to the doctors...BECAUSE IM NOT WELL? Apparently, that is my choice!

I really cant take this atm. I feel like im being punished for expressing the way i feel. It feels like she has taken NOTHING on board ive said in the last couple of months, especially the last week. Its feels like she doesnt believe what im saying. And it feels like she is trying to get me out of the CMHT team.

I'm so angry and upset. I wanna just **** off somewhere and curl up and die. I asked for help and now they're taking it away from me. I cant cope with this. I just want to die right now.

Sorry if im not replying to posts. I cant think properly right now