Im so Damn Bored....
 

Im bored of me...so damn bored. Im bored of my depression, my thoughts my SI, my weird eating habits. Just me in general, im bored so damn bored of it all. I wish i could just wake up one day with out feeling like im in this damn bowl drowning in my self pity and low self estem.
I do kick my self in the ass after a slip but then its a week or even a couple of days and i burn out i just cant go on fighting. I even dream about OD, Self harm bieng held down by nurses and police. Its F******* pissing me off!!!

I wish i could turn my brain off, constantly whir whirring away. Voices inside my head tell me what to do. I go to my doctors, pschs i put on a front. i get home put on a front the minute a lay down tick tick tick.

IM JUST SO PISSED OFF WITH MY SELF - GET A GRIP i keep telling my self i get to the top of the mountian and fall allthe way back down again little by little. i hate it why cant i enjoy things be enthusiastic. some one help me. My fiance is beginning to think im a weirdo and my mum is hot and cold. One minute worrying next minute telling me to get a grip shut up and get on with it. I feel like im being tossed and turned no where to go no where to hide. Just me and this big thick shield of fog. Stopping me reaching out for help and stop others getting in.

Yet i feel like and atention seeking hoar!

Tryed to end it twice or was it bids of freedom some nights i cant sleep thoughts of SI going in and out of my head.... god damn it just leave me alone please i hate you i wish i never made friends with you i hate SI yet its my best friend there for me went things get confusing anngry and hurtfull. Im sorry mum for turning out to be such a **** up i really am im sorry....

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way hunny, it isnt fair that people have to go through things like this. Dont blame yourself for all of this, there is something medically wrong with you that is NOT your fault, and do not let anyone else tell you otherwise. I think that finding a good distraction will really help you. And as for the dreams, I used to have them as well, and what I found helped was listening to music or the television before I went to bed and it slowed the dreams right down until they were gone. Maybe you could try talking to your mom or fiance more when you are feeling so down, and maybe they will be able to help you through it?

I hope you feel better soon sweetie
Take care of yourself
*hugs*
x Kate

Thankyou x