rant
 

i'm so pissed off
so full of tears
angry

its not ment to be like this
i wanted to believe i was getting better
i am
but now i'm slipping
and its so tempting
its calling me
its so loud

i dont wanna post a proper post,
i dont wanna do anything
i want it to take over or go away
i dont want to **** up or i have to completely

(i have already... maybe... i'm confused)

its so loud
i cant think
just typing to distract me

sending hugs. I hope that posting gave you some relief from what you're feeling. It doesn't sound nice. Can you tell someone you trust about this feeling you have of slipping? Let them catch you and reassure you.

Post some more if it helps. We can listen to you here.
take care of yourself and stay safe.
xxx hammy

each night its non stop at the moment...
my head hurts
my stomach hurts
i'm disgusting
i just want to self destruct...
i feel like i'm just waiting until 'its convenient'
until i know i will get away with it
until i know i can lie
i dont want to lie to the people i love
but i cant share it
i cant stop it

you're not disgusting hun, even though you feel that way. What is it you think you will lie about? You dont have to lie here, no one is going to judge you. Hope you're ok.
much love
xxx hammy

my head is loud again, another night...
so much food to try to shut it up
so full, out of control, its horrible... i'm huge
i hate food, i never want to eat a thing again
my motivations and wants are starting to reflect what my head wants
soon i will be away from people checking up on me
soon my head will have the chance, but it will still be hard
not as free as i want,
my head wants
there is not reason to this, no rational thought
just pure head taking control for no reason-ness
i am happy
i am
i am
i'm not making any sense

i know youre in a scary place and im really sorry.
please hold on.
much love and *snuggles*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx