The Almost Relapse? trigger warning
 

Last week after a particularly brutal class I started to pick, off hand doesn't sound that back i know. But I ended up picking my nails until blood was running down my hands. It wasn't even the fact that I had hurt myself but that despite not harming for over a year and a half I still got that satisfaction from the pain that cutting always gave me. Like a hit of nicotine. A week later my nails are still ****ed up from the damage. And now its temptation constant temptation that makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. My parents don't understand why I'm sleeping so much. Its not even the depression, I can't slip up I cant be tempted when I am sleeping and its so much easier than being awake and having to look at people and feel like they can tell that I am so ****ed in the head I am willing to damage myself in some weird attempt to fix myself. This is my first kinda relapse with the new shrink and with a new dose of antidepressants. I wish a medication existed to bring me out of a depressive episode in 5 to 15 minutes. I doubt I will see that in this life tho.

Hey, sorry to hear that you slipped up. It sounds like you're committed to trying to avoid a full relapse which is great. Have you been able to tell your shrink what has been going on? Have you been offered any kind of talking therapies in addition to the medication? I wonder if something like that would help you to work through some aspects of your depression and help you find ways to manage the urges.

unfortunately I haven't been able to talk to my shrink about it. I only see her every 2 weeks and she had to reschedule so now its three weeks. I really do want a full recovery and I know slipping up is part of recovery but the overwhelming shame is hard to handle. Thank you for responding

Oh man, that's inconvenient that she's had to reschedule. Do you have any friends or family who you would feel comfortable talking to about this?

There's no shame in having slipped up; maybe you could try to focus on being proud of trying to get back on the recovery bandwagon to hopefully distract from the unjustified feelings of failure?

I have my mom but she doesnt really understand the cravings for lack of a better word. And I started picking at them again this weekend. Not quite as bad but still sucks. I've spoken to my therapist and we are working through it. I dont feel quite as guilty now as i did which I consider at least some kind of improvement

I'm glad that you were able to speak to your therapist and that you are feeling less guilty.

How are you doing now? Do you have anything enjoyable planned this weekend?

I'm doing tolerably at the moment. I spent today as a recovery day. Didnt get out of my pjs and just relaxed. Tomorrow is a catch up day since all this has put me behind on my school work and i had to have a serious sit down with the director of my program to get the time to catch up properly. its gonna be a rough couple weeks

How are things going? I'm glad you took a recovery day; that was a great idea. I hope that the director of your program was helpful when you spoke with them.

I think the guilt honestly made it more difficult for me to recover.

When I quit convincing myself I should be ashamed of myself or that I needed self-harm to get through the day,or that I could find something exactly like it to replace it (I never will and I realized that's ok,) I found recovery easier. this is just my experience and it's easier said than done, but I thought this may be of use. Take it or leave it.

Don't beat yourself up over a relapse. focus on prevention rather than bullying or policing yourself. I actually wonder if that sort of thinking can sabotage the recovery progress and revert people back into old habits. Relapses aren't ideal, but they're not the end of the world. Remember that.