I don't feel like I'm recovered
 

Tomorrow will mark 4 years of being SH free. I feel like I should be recovered right now, but it's still hard. I still want to cut myself every single day. It's overwhelming. I miss cutting. I miss the relief. I know that if I started again that I could get away with it without anyone finding out. But then I remember my rock bottom where I freaking cut myself in class without getting caught, and I'm scared that I would return to that point because that was bad. But I'm also scared of not cutting ever again, even though I know that's really stupid. I didn't think this would be so hard after so long. I want to cut so badly and the thought of going through the rest of my life without cutting is scary, but I also don't want to have to start over on Day 0. Everything just feels impossible.

Huge congratulations on being 4 years free! I know you're struggling right now but hopefully you can find some time to congratulate yourself and to recognise what a great achievement it is.

Everyone has a different definition of recovery so it's hard to say what being recovered should be like and when it should happen. And it's also easy to look back and think of the "good" things about cutting while ignoring all the rubbish that goes along with it as well. Could you try and think about other reasons not to do it (as well as the one you mentioned above) rather than the reasons you think you should do it or would miss about it?

I'm betting you have learned some pretty good distraction techniques, alternatives and coping strategies to get you through some difficult times over the last four years. What has worked in the past to stop yourself doing it?

Remarkably well done. four years - wow.

But, it's hard. It really is! To me it seems more difficult than stop smoking. Which I did and it was a disaster. Even so the cravings for cutting is harder, to me anyway. If I ever succeed, as you have f-m-h I expect that the craving will always be there. Deal with it, try to postpone it, weary yourself etc. It works 4 me, anyway - when I succeed.
Take care