Alcohol and mess
 

I've been a bit of a mess.
I started drinking about a year ago, and it's becoming a problem.
I started because without medication or psychological help, it was the only way I found to control my SH/OD urges and suicidal thoughts.
When I would get stressed and anxious, tidying, organising and cleaning used to be a way to relieve it. A lot of stress would come from the worry of things being out of place.
But over the year I would drink more often, to the point if I start to get anxious, I'll drink, and neglect tidying, and that stresses me out, so I'll drink more, and so on and so forth.

It's reached the point I now refuse to let anyone in my flat. I live in supported accommodation, so support staff are always going on at me that they have to come in, and I've given several reasons why they can't come in, but I've not told them it's because my flat's a mess, and I hate it. I hate myself. I hate it all.
I will cry and hit myself, then drink until I can't stand upright.
I'm typing this and thinking it all over, running through plans to sort it all out, but I'm also so angry at myself for letting things get this way that I'm going "No, you ****ing deserve this"
It's horrible and I hate it.
I want to tidy, but I can't. My head just screams at me that I'm not allowed to.
I don't understand it.
It's stressing me out so much, I feel so anxious, I feel sick. I'm aching from being tense.

How come you feel like you aren't allowed to? Mess bothers me a lot so I imagine it would be stressful.

Is there any way you can even just do like, one tiny little tidying thing a day enough to where maybe your head wouldn't not allow it, but it could be a start? I don't know what to suggest specifically to you but things I could generally think of are, maybe just like, pick up a few pieces of garbage and put them in the bin, or clean one dish, or put one clothing item away.

I don't know. Maybe if you can even just do one tiny thing and see how that goes, maybe part of you will realise it is not horrible and eventually if you keep it up you can get more things done at a time and work up? Or is asking support staff to help you with tidying an option? You deserve to feel okay.

Do you have any support with regards to your drinking? Or anyone who is aware that it is problematic?

There's an app called Un-F**k Your Habitat. It's pretty good.

It gives you tasks and motivation or sarcasm. You can select which room and how long the task will last and they'll give you one. I think you collect rewards for completing stuff too. You can sort of plan to do certain things one bit at a time. Then you keep thise parts Rudy whilst you move in to the next.

Bit by bit you'll have a tidy flat.

I understand how hard it is. I let my flat get an absolute state and my bf came round and was super unimpressed and I felt disgusting and so bad. I did UFYH and I pretty quickly had it under control.

Also are you getting any support surrounding alcohol?

I'm clean. I always clean, I'm just messy and don't tidy or organise. That only bothers me because mother used to be horrible about me being dirty, and I never was. Just messy.

Currently going to a place in my city that has people that deal with mental health and alcohol as a combo package. But I'm also moving cities soon.

Auror: I honestly think it's self punishment. I've been trying to stop self harming, and I think now I'm psychologically punishing myself.
Help is not an option, but I'm going to try write lists, tackle it that way. It's better than planning in your head, really.

Bellatrix: That sounds brilliant, thank you.

Hmm. I can see what you mean about using it as a type of self punishment. Lists are always a good idea! You could even tackle it with something like a sticker chart and rewards? If that's your style of course.