Over half my life, how much more.
 

I am 30.
THIRTY.
I started using this website when it was ruin, and used it daily for years. Some of my dearest and best friends are from this website who I credit with saving my life. Hell, strangers from this website saved my life.

Over half of my life has been spent feeling like this, feeling dull, restless, cloudy, heavy.

Over half my life has been spent waiting for some point where it turns off and I become like everyone else.

I will never be like everyone else.

I don't think i'llever physically hurt myself the way I used to (the way I want to) ever again. I still do it, but have it justified so "it's not the same".

It's just hard. I want thirty years old and exhausted.

That made me think of this - a fav RYL post I saved..




I see the link between the two

<3

I'm just being a no0b

All of this is accurate right now.

Well Plath faded into being dead. An indifferent middle age would have been ok.

I think you're more of a metaphysically inclined person than you realise. You want the sublime and transcendent - the awareness of existing in the moment without being suppressed by routines and the mundane.

I think the sticky wicket is that you measure transcendent values by external circumstances. Basic contentment (vs hyper "happiness") is found within, and is independent of external circumstances to a degree. The sky doesn't open up at certain ages, employment/income levels etc. Good times and bad - each flee in due course - one swapping out with the other (and each "imposters" as Kipling would say). It was Plath's curse to need validation outside herself. She was also a lopsided intellectual prone to psychosis and ended-up having an illness named after her (the Plath Effect)

You're still full of brilliant potential. At any age you can still be full of brilliant potential. Some people fulfill their potential over years, and some in a moment. You're right that you're never going to be like everyone else. You don't need to be like everyone else.
I hope for you to find the path that makes you feel clear and bright in some measure. I hope you find some sense of lightness. You know better than anyone else where you might find it. Maybe a career? A new field of study? A move? I'm limited with what I can imagine for you, but you're not.

I'm in a similar boat to your original post. Been back and forth with RYL since ruin days.
I keep waiting for a day when I'll be normal. When my first impulse when I'm struggling isn't to carve myself up. I don't act on that impulse the same as I used to, nor as often. But its still the first thought, however fleeting.
Haven't any advice, I just keep plodding along because its whats expected. Just didn't want you to feel alone.

deleted lots of attempts to reply. They all sound pants.

So instead I shall just say 'horseradish' and move on.

*hands you a dyslexic pony called Ian and a pickled onion. (Please do not attempt to saddle and ride the onion - it's a wild onion)

ASH. <3 God it's good to see you, even under these circumstances. Not that it's of any comfort but I can completely relate to how you're feeling right now.

Sorry I have no words of advice or comfort but if you ever want to talk to someone, I'm here. If you remember me of course. Which it now occurs to me, you may not.

Amy <3

Are you well? Still in Ireland? x

Hi Ash! (its control freak). I can relate a lot to your post.