I'm totally lost
 

I could be the luckiest person going. I have a place to live and I'm loved. I am afforded a nice life. I'm extremely lucky.

You would not believe how lucky I am.

I'm 45 in a week and I'm living a lie.

The truth is I am ashamed of who I have become and what I have done. I'm ashamed I got this sick and I'm ashamed of the marks I've made.

I'm ashamed I don't work and earn and I'm ashamed of the facade I present.

I'm terrified of what I have become.

I'm afraid the only answer is the one no one but me wants. I'm afraid I can't cope here and I'm afraid any chance of life is pointless.

I'm afraid that I don't have my illness to hide behind anymore and I feel exposed and vulnerable.

I haven't a clue what to do.

My head is shot. The fear that has no reason. The same fear kids get and when you ask what they are afraid of they can't tell you. It's all closing in on me.

Thinking of you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so crappy. Wish I could help.