Not knowing how to let go, advice?
 

Hi everyone...This is about my issues with going to sleep properly. It will probably sound silly compared to a lot of the topics on this forum, but I will still try. it's been...5 years I guess, since what I was r**ed.
A lot has happened since, and I have done a lot to recover, and I do believe I am managing okay considering. However...
I'm a bit "stuck" with the next step.

I have...When I was going through the worst of what happened I couldn't sleep because of nightmares. I would wake multiple times from them, even be nauseous and throw up often, it was that intense. I am also really not proud of the person I became when I was first starting to deal with it, it was the complete opposite of all I believe in and it made me feel like a really bad person. So I was kinda losing myself...And to get to sleep better, I ended up taking my laptop in bed and watching series every night, until I am sleepy enough.
..
And now no matter how much better I claim to be, I feel reluctant and I find it impossible to start going to bed without it. It's like my safety blanket, I let my mind watch and that is what I think of when going to sleep. I also have anxiety issues, and I worry that if I stop I won't be able to fall asleep, or that I will spend hours thinking about problems before finally drifting to sleep. I can't seem to let this go. I'm not even sure I want to. It's comfortable. It's my crazy way of disengaging myself from worrying if I'll ever regain some parts of myself.
I don't want to complain. I have a good life now. But I do want those parts of myself., and I feel like losing the hope of getting them will be horrible. Like I'll never be fully me otherwise. I don't know how to deal with this. I know part of why I'm not fully okay may be spending so much time tying to lose myself in watching instead of using this time to find myself again. But it's so hard to let this go, I get so irrationally anxious about it. My life has a lot of pressure as well, and I still don't feel good enough. Thankfully most of the flashbacks and nightmares are over with and I can handle that pressure...But I'm afraid that if I leave myself breathing room it will all come back to me. All that happened. The way I acted after. All the ways in which I screwed up. I just got some of my faith back, and I am so scared that something so simple and silly as this may completely unravel me if I do it...

In all likelyness, it will be okay. In all likeliness, the worst that will happen will be sleeping badly for a week or a month and then having more freedom and sleeping actually better. But I am so afraid I can't even get myself to try.
I did recovery, and therapy, I did my fights with my past, I dug what I can dig, and closed some doors, and I can't have them open again. Not now. And if that does happen I know it will take priority over all else and I can't have that happen.

Hi I'm so sorry I don't have any suggestions but you are not alone nightmares and sleep disturbance are awful. Thinking of you

If it helps you then it's OK do that, lots of people struggle with sleep and with nightmares and we've probably all found slightly different ways of coping with that.
If you're finding that it's really becoming a problem though, you could try gradually limiting the time you let yourself watch for and if you're still awake after that time, try substituting reading or listening to relaxing music or a white noise type app.
I almost always go to sleep with the TV on, at the very least I have to have a light on and usually some kind of low level noise. I used to feel anxious about not being able to sleep without these things and it felt like if wasn't normal and so I should stop; but my counsellor helped me realise it doesn't matter - what matters is what helps me. So if watching stuff on your laptop helps you then don't worry about it, let it help. You may feel strong enough in the future to try doing without it, but if it's going to cause you too much stress or worry then let yourself have that security blanket.
Xx

Thank you, it means a lot! Sometimes I feel so bad that I haven't moved on yet. It's good(as much as this can be good) to know I am not alone.

I get it, but the problem isn't the evening, it's that it's my security blanket in general, even during the day. And I thought I can start to limit it, and start by the watching in bed because it's the easiest...but I'm finding it much harder than I though. I have so much better life right now, I don't want to be so cautious and anxious and afraid anymore. I know letting go of this habit is the next step...but I am finding it hard.
May be I'll work through not doing it in the day first, and do it in bed for a while. You're right, may be it's okay to have a bit more security in this form more. I just feel so guilty for having to do this to get through my regular day. May be I have to accept that at least it's a step forward that I do have my regular life back and strive for improving rather than drastic changes...

Thank you so much! Means a lot. Yes, my therapist also said that and suggested I have hyper-developed sense of guilt about the things I've done then and since. I know it's true, but I still struggle about letting go of who I was. And I've tried being myself again, but I am a different person now, and I am so stuck on trying to "get myself back" that I haven't really figured out who I am now...:/ I know I can do this, and I know with time everything gets better and better, but I do still struggle with how much time it is actually taking me. I hope one day I can be a lot better than now even. And that all this will be nothing but a shadow.