im sitting here crying...
 

because i want to kill myself. these thoughts will not leave my head. i get little respites from time to time but never for long. i feel like an ungrateful bitch. i have met someone online who i adore and she is wonderful but there is still that void. and i know i cant fill it with a human being. i just dont know what to do anymore. my docs know all this and its like theyve given up on me too.
if i didnt have my little boy, i would off myself. period. probably a long time ago, at that.
keith isnt coming for his birthday and that has really gotten me down. it seems everything i do is of no comfort to me. cutting doesnt even help anymore.
im so afraid that one of these lonely nights, just like tonight, i will lose track of rationality and "do it". i guess thats what im most afraid of.
im so freaking sad all the time and im sick of it. i cant sleep. i have NO appetite of any sort. im just really really depressed despite the fact that im now taking 2 antidepressants.
:blue:
thanks for listening....
love to all.
xx

I don't see you as an ungrateful bitch. You are struggling with overwhelming feelings and trying to get through each day. That takes an awful lot of energy.
You say you get respites. It might be helpful to have a think on anything that happens that brings these times of relief. Anything that helps? Maybe make notes, a list, of these respite times. Describe how you felt, what you did, what you said. Then you start to build up a bank of hope and good things and good times within you. This can build up your strength and sense of hope and well-being.

I understand that place of void. It aches beyong aching and is deseperately, desperately sad. And longs, is forever longing, and crying inside, and yet is also so numb and filled with pain.. all at once.

*wraps you up in blanket and rocks you*

am crap with words at the min so leaves a hug stay safe xx

hey hun. sounds like you're having a rough time right now things hopefully will start looking up for you soon k just hang in there and stay safe. think about your adorable little boy and how happy you make him that should put a smile on your face. i know the feeling when the thoughts wont leave your head its not a good one and they are so strong and powerful but you must encourage yourself not beat this cycle in order for you to get better.
big hugs for you xoxo

dittos above

be safe
Matthew xxx

rachel, you are beautiful inside and out xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

be safe
 

Rachel
gently hugs you and sits by your side
im sorry im exhausted but offer you what comfort i can friend
hold on and BE SAFE ok
we all love you
Dave

love you rachel, and you can get through this
take care, you know where i am, and sorry i havent been around for you much recently
xxxx

love you rachel, and you can get through this
take care, you know where i am, and sorry i havent been around for you much recently
xxxx

*snuggles you*
Hon, please don't give into this. Remember how many people love you...you are an important, strong, careing woman, and I for one think you are absolutly wonderful.
Take care of yourself.
Alyssa xxx

you are wonderful
your son sounds amazing and i am sure that he will and should always be #1 but dont forget that there are also lots of other people out there who adore you and care about you and NEED YOU
i agree with what somebody else up there said, cant recall who, but anyway writing always helps me
write down how you feel when you feel like this, like total and utter crap, but also write down good things and write when you feel a little better
it will help to vent and it may also help to have something to look at, your own thoughts and your own record, of the good things you have going on

stay safe hun xxxooo

rach, you need to give the meds a bit of time to get the right levels and to stablize before they start to have an effect. *cuddles* I feel that right now you might not be ready for any kind of relationship, i wouldn't want you to be hurt again, don't stumble into the first pair of open arms, you are worth so much more than that. you deserve the very best. make sure you give yourself the best.

love you lots and lots, mand x
ps would chocolate bring back your appetite? *goes and buys HEEEE-UGE dairy milk bar*

sorry hunni...no words but i care and am sending *hugs*. Pls keep talking to your docs and us
pls try to keep safe
romp

I've gotten to know you a bit and you're definately not ungratful. You're just kindof stuck. I know I probably have said this a bunch to you but it will get better. Doctors sometimes get stuck but I doubt they've given up on you. I care about you and I'll be here replying to your posts as long as need be. Just take it slowly and stay safe. We care about you and I definatly have grown to care about you. Please be careful and keep us posted.

-Evie

thank you guys....i dont know what in the hell is going on with me. im all over the place. probably shouldnt even be replying to posts with the state of mind im in...but i just feel like i should. i dont know whether im coming or going. i went with my mother yesterday to rent some dvds and just fainted!!! yep, right there in the store. i dont even remember coming home. mom said i spoke a bunch of jibberish that didnt make any sense. i feel like the world is falling apart around me and im tearing my fingernails off trying to scratch my way out.(sorry for the description, only thing i could think of).
anyhow....thank you again.
much love.
xx

wear gloves so you dont subconsciously pick or scratch. drink sometihng warm with sugar in it and eat something oaty (flapjack or porridge) love you rachie, manda x