I need help with my life...
 

I've never done this kind of thing before, so please go easy, but I need advice, or... Well I don't know what I need really. I just need to talk, and get an outside opinion.

A little about me: I'm 24 years old, live alone, no girlfriend, no dates, just my other friends. I'm a nerd so I like board games and the like, but that doesn't bother me, I like them and that's all there is to it. I have a large number of friends who I hang out with at the local game club, but beyond that it's mostly just me.

My problem is complex, but I'll start at the beginning. All through middle school, all through high school, all the way up through now, I have avoided responsibility. I didn't do homework,I have only a part time job now, and frankly I've done nothing of worth with my life. The only thing I can say is that I graduated high school, but even that was barely achieved. I had the chance for a few free college courses and I blew it, I have had jobs and I blew it, I just can't seem to accomplish anything.

I'm not saying this to gain sympathy, I'm just giving you a rundown of whats going on.
I have Aspergers, but I don't like to use that excuse. In reality I'm just a piece of **** who lives off of social security, with no plan, no future, who can't take care of his apartment, car, or real life.

I look at people who work all the time, and I think 'how do they do that? They must hate it, how do they force themselves to go to work every day through all that hate?'
I have a job now, but I'm making the same mistakes yet again, calling in, cancelling jobs, etc... I don't know what lets other people get through the day, but mines broken. I would rather call in, go screw around and have fun then be responsible.

When I do it I think to myself, 'I probably shouldn't do this, I should be responsible and go to work.' But then my stupid side takes over and I immediately make the worst decision.

My mom and dad are both pissed with me because of the way I act, I have been banned from their house because they hate what I am, and frankly I hate myself. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix this. I just can't seem to do what society expects, and instead I just sit go out and play stupid games, which I don't want to give up. I've been told by them, (in bouts of anger) that I am a worthless leech who has never been worth anything, and it's hard to disagree. I can't remember the last time my family has said that they were proud of me, and my own father refused to go celebrate my graduation with my grandmother and mom.

Maybe it's because I look at my parents who come home and are angry with how their day went, who don't ever go out and have fun, who just look miserable to me, and I immediately work to not be that. I've told them the truth about this, that I hate the look of what they are and what they do, but it shouldn't matter. The rest of society manages to work, and I just putter behind, ****ing up at every opportunity just to get instant gratification.
I don't know how to fix it, I don't know where to go or what to do, I hate what I am, but I keep doing the same things over and over without learning.

Maybe it's because my younger sibling is so perfect and amazing that I just gave up. She was a star athlete, softball pitcher who is pretty and popular. My mom and dad love her and everything she does, and I don't blame them. I wish I was like her, but I'm just not. I never liked sports, I prefer my games and books, where peoples lives actually matter, where life is good and works out neatly even if bad things happen. I want to matter to someone, and even though I know I do, I also wish that my parents were apart of that equation.

I guess that's it, I don't know what else to say. I don't think there's an easy solution, and I know that I'm the one who needs to change, but I just don't know how, and I don't know if it's even possible. I want to do something that matters with my life, but that's looking less possible by the moment. I hate what I do over and over, and I hate the disappointed look in my parents eyes, but apparently not enough to put forward real effort to stop what I'm doing. I hate myself, I hate my life, I wish I could figure out a direction for my life, but I don't even know what I would want to do.

I know it sounds like I'm crying about how unfair everything is, but I'm really not. I know that all of this is my fault, that I'm the cause of it, I just need advice, or answers, or ideas, or something! Anything that might help. I know my parents aren't really the bad guys, that they love me and care about me, but I wish I could make them proud.

Hi there, welcome to RYL. I hope it helped a bit to get that all off your chest.

Maybe take it one step at a time. You are not going to become a model employee overnight and expecting yourself to do that will make it feel overwhelming and impossible. Making smaller more manageable targets may make it seem achievable- so maybe next you feel like calling in sick, force yourself to go in, and reward yourself with something nice after work. Then maybe don't be too hard on yourself if the next time you feel like calling in sick you just do it, but gradually build up the expectation you have of your attendance to work until attending work and relaxing and enjoying yourself after work become second nature. You may even find you enjoy going to your game club more when you're working hard. I hate my job sometimes, but I also feel a real sense of achievement after a hard day at work and feel entitled to really enjoy my time off because I've worked hard for it.

I can relate to a few things that you said.
I've been avoiding responsibilities and taking short cuts wherever I could and it's made me pretty miserable in the long run.

I'm afraid I have no advice other then make yourself do stuff you don't want to do.
Maybe doing it gradually, like Jenna suggested, would make it easier.

I think you potentially would also benefit from some sort of support, maybe finding a counselor is a possibility. They could assist you in tackling some of your issues and help you build some confidence. I find that I tend to be rather defeatist and prefer giving up over trying and risking to fail. Believing that you can change things and that you won't screw up things by default might make things slightly easier.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to try what you guys said. It is just so hard to make myself do things sometimes, because instant gratification is so much more fun then long term. Like I said, maybe my 'normal person switch' is broken or something, because no matter how much I try, I can't seem to get out of the cycle I've created.

I was the same and I'm still working on things, but I managed to improve in some areas. Don't give up, it will take a while but you will get there in the end if you keep trying.

Yup..I get it! Doing everything half assed and then hating yourself for not putting in the required effort for things to turn out the way you wanted them to!
Im a gamer too, have been all my life! Nothing like a bit of runescape to waste the day..but thats all it does...entertains me till I realise Ive spent all day on the pc and now its too late to get anything done!

When I started to distance myself from my games I found my brain was craving information....to learn ..to expand! This had lead me to spend more time researching and less time gaming! Although it means I still spend a lot of time on the pc I find I feel less shitty about it because it at least feels like Ive done something a little productive!! Maybe you could set aside some of your gaming time to start looking into other things that interest you, whatever they may be?

Of course your family love you and like you said the things they have said to you were in moments of anger! They're maybe just frustrated with how your life is right now, I know my family are!
In the end its our lives, its up to us what direction we take it in!
I too have a near perfect sister which makes me feel like even more of an embarrassment!
I dont doubt their favoritism of her has caused you some issues too! But in the end even our parents are just people trying to get through life!
Are you currently getting any counseling ? I dont know if its essential here but maybe it could help you work out if there is something else going on with you?

No I'm not getting counseling, although I think that would help, if nothing else then to have someone listen and weigh in on my problems. The problem is that my insurance doesn't cover that and it's a lot of money to spend on it. Mostly I've just been talking with friends, trying to get this stuff off my back and get advice like I'm doing here.

Credit to you for your honesty. Wondering if you could make some money or even a career out of your passion?

Have you looked into charity organizations in your area that might offer counseling?

I've thought about this, and am even designing a board game as we speak, but unfortunately jobs in the game industry are extremely difficult to get. They fill up within seconds of appearing, and the last time the game store hired someone, they didn't even announce they were hiring.

As for free counselling, I didn't know anyone offered stuff like that. I'll have a look around, see what I can come up with.

Thanks for the advice!