Lack of achievement. A woe is me moment.
 

I've been reflecting today on my lack of achievement. I was a bright child, did well at school and got good GCSE and A Level results. Secured places at university to study both adult nursing and social work (at different universities). Then I went mental. Sectioning, acute wards, psychiatric high dependency, a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.


Fast forward to now. I work two days in a job I've held down for just over two years. I enjoy it, and I've completed an NVQ, but it's not really an achievement. Not like I was supposed to/wanted to achieve. I wanted to go to university. I really, really wanted to go. I wanted to have a career in LD social work. I could have gone and achieved that, had I not behaved in a way that ended up in being detained. Again and again and again.


I work two days. It's pathetic for a healthy 28 year old, really. My CPN today said that I'm "high functioning." I don't see working two days in a job that anyone could do "high functioning." I look at my friends and they're what I would call high functioning. They all work full-time. The majority have got at least an undergraduate degree, some masters and some taking it further.


I so desperately want to further myself, but I keep getting these low moods that ruin everything. Because I let them. My CPN said that it's not that I let them because it's not that simple and she thinks I would carry on if I could, but that's what it comes down to, isn't it? My behaviour. I stay in bed. I self-harm. I call in sick for work. I don't shower. I don't eat properly. It feels impossible at the time, but it's not.


What do I do? I know it's not to late to train in social work because I had a social worker who trained in her 30s. I am just not capable. Intellectually I could do it, I'm sure, and I've got the temperament when I'm being OK. It's just these fecking low periods that feck everything up. I go wonky. I think things that aren't true. I believe the people I hear, when right now I know they're talking bollocks. I become terrified. I cease to be my usual self and I couldn't get through an intense three year degree because of that.


What do I do? Has anyone here with my history gone on to have a career? I'm told it's possible, but I'm told by people who haven't had the experiences I've had and that's hard.


This isn't depression or low self-esteem talking. This is me being a realist. It's upsetting.

I was like you in the sense of achievements and maybe also hoping to have accomplished these things by a certain age, this was sound so bad but the one thing that gave me slight control back was that, my life/journey is mine and no one elses. I graduated three years ago and have not had a graduate job nor do I want one as I found myself to have zero interest in my chosen field. I expected the following, graduate at 21, acquire degree job at 22, find girlfriend also at 22, move in together at 25 engaged at 26, married at 27 and kids at 28.

Currently I am a 24 year old single graduate living with his parents. If you let go of the social construct of "do this by this age, that by that age, be here by then" you will maybe give yourself some more freedom to complete your goals?

For many years i have had the dream of returning to uni and complete a degree. It's still a very strong wish on my part to return. To accomplish that which i know would make me feel validated and socially accepted. However recently i have come to realise that it probably won't happen. Over the years i've kept various support workers busy trying to prepare myself for the great return into public education. So far it has only led to more worry and heart ache and several attempts at highs school classes which i have failed to complete.

This winter i realised i will never get an education. I will never be able to work. I will never be able to do the things that my friends are doing every day. And it makes me feel like a failure. I have paranoid schizophrenia and i am seen as high functioning too. But add just a tiny ammount of pressure to me and i break. Just like that. I go totally bonkers and i fall into deep depression afterwards.

The reason i am telling you this is to say i can relate. But also to say that i think it's possible to live a just somewhat decent life in spite of this. And for what it's worth i do believe you have the mental capacity to complete the education of your dreams. And you know it too. And everyone who knows you well probably knows this too.

You don't have to prove anything to anyone. It's so easy to compare ourselves to everyone else but not always beneficial. I am slowly beginning to see that the only one who sees my life as a series of failures is, oddly enough, me. Everyone else seems to be happy as long as i am managing and nobody has ever expressed that they are disappointed or expected more of me. But i am disappointed and i expected more of me and that is a problem i will need to work on. Probably for the rest of my life.

I am trying to say that even if you did not manage to get the education you wanted and even if you're not able to work full time you still managed to build a life for yourself. To educate yourself and get a job. And those are still victories however small they may seem to you. Hold on to that!!!!! You have progressed and you are still progressing even if you can't see it right now. And even if this is as good as it gets then that is ok too. You don't need vaildation from others. You need it from yourself and that might be a goal to work towards. And success is not always about jobs and degrees. Sometime susccess is getting through another day however hopeless it may seem...

I hope this helped a bit. I personally think you have a lot to be proud over. I hope you can see it too.

I have felt similar to you in that I was set to go to uni at 18, i had my place etc but then i was hospitalised before i could sit my exams. That admission turned into a secord, a third, a fourth etc culminating in a section. My friends all went to uni, graduated, got jobs, some are married with kids. I felt so miserable.

I did decide to go back to college which I did manage, went to uni as a mature student but the stress of the first year made me unwell and i was hospitalised again. I quit uni after one year feeling worse than ever.

That was 2012.. Since then ive worked hard on overcoming my anxiety and doing cbt. The best thing i decided to do was join the open university. It meant i could study at home in my own time without the stresses of commuting and being around hundreds of people in lectures. If my mental health is bad then i can do less work, or none, until i feel better. And the great thing is its covered by student loans so you dont pay upfront. Why dont you look into it? Registration for this year will be closing fairly soon.

I think that many of us had these plans and ideas of how we wanted our lives to be, but life rarely works out that way. It doesnt make you any less of a person that you work two days a week. You have been very unwell and you are still recovering from that. Take things slowly and try not to put a time limit on life

My biggest achievement is getting out of bed in the morning to take care of my kids. To hear you say That you make no achievement makes me fell a little sad. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Mental illness is not easy to cope with. You are achieving plenty and in time will continue to achieve more. Take your time and focus on yourself and be proud you have gotten where you are.

Hi lovely

Don't be so hard on yourself! I have a history of going completely bonkers and then getting back on track. It's pretty cyclical. I've had a couple of hospital admissions and 136's. I'm a social worker. It is possible, and actually it's a career where people are surprisingly understanding. But, it's really bloody hard work and very frustrating, not to mention the paperwork, which is only worse when you're in LD services... If you want to chat specifically about social worker stuff, you know where I am, as I realise that's not really the point of your post.

You are doing well, keeping a job is tough for anyone, let alone when you've got MH issues which are just exhausting.

Try and think that if someone else was writing this you'd be the first person to reply saying how well they were doing. It's no different for you. Plus, if you want to, you can access all sorts of training and voluntary things, which, when you're feeling up to it could be really fun.

My brain isn't really working at the moment, but I hope you know what I mean, and for what it's worth, I do think you're doing fantastically and it's not about your friends, it's about what's right for you. More important than any 'progression' is just learning to be comfortable in yourself, and once you are, everything feels better, or so I'm led to believe.

Leaving you loads of love

I can relate. I'm 28 too and haven't had a job in years. I actually went to Uni but ****ed it up when I got ill.

BUT.

I'm well now and I'm going back in September! It absolutely IS possible, but ultimately your health comes first. Even if you spent the next two years really working hard on your mental health you could still, then, go to University and do what you want. When I was ill I felt like you and couldn't see it, but a few years on and here I am. If I can do it then you can too. Your mental health problems aren't your fault but I completely understand how you feel. I felt the same. It took me 5 years of my life to get here (in hospital) but honestly, I truly believe that if you want this enough, you can do it too. Prioritise. Work hard on your mental health problems so that you're in a place where you can do all these things you dream of doing.

xx

I don't know if this helps but I read your posts a lot and admire how Mich you have achieved.
I mean getting and keeping a part time job and doing nvqs is amazing to me.
The same age as you and have the same diagnosis and been in and out of institutions a lot too.
I've just got a part time job I love and I really hope I can keep it as long as you have kept yours and do extra training.
I don't think you have under achieved at all. I think you have achieved loads under the circumstances and you should be proud of your self.
I see no reason why you couldn't do SW one day x

I can relate a LOT to what you've said. I got to uni, but totally messed it all up, in part due to MH, in part money, in part a slightly destructive relationship, all in all it went badly and I had to leave about 6 months before finishing.
I tried to go back a few years ago, but it went wrong again. And then tried the OU, but ran out of money.

so ye, not gone well :P . I ended up coming to the conclusion that I don't deserve to go to uni and don't deserve to get the sort of career I'd want. So I've ended up going to become a joiner, just got my level 2 NVQ. But I hate it...

However, it's a stable job and I have a qualification in it, so for now I am keeping it for income and planning to go back to the OU to study engineering in Janurary.


maybe the OU would be something that you could look into? Or, if you're not in the UK (sorry, rubbish at remember who's from where and such) some other distance learning thing.

I believe that pritty much anyone can do anything, just some have to work harder or adapt how they do it. It may taek you longer than the usual 3 years, but if you want a degree as much as I get the impression that you do from your post I am sure it is possible to do. Maybe speak to your CPN about any options that they know of, and if you can find one maybe a careers adviser, or even see if you can speak to the dibaility department at your local uni to see what sort of things could be put in place.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, but also try not to give up. It may be difficult and it may take time but there will be a way for you to get to where you want to be (or at least somewhere close/a good substitute)

Thank you so, so much for all of the thoughtful responses. It really means an awful lot that you all took the time to give me encouragement and share your experiences. :)


Some days I can see that I've achieved something. I've progressed a lot considering how I was a three or four years ago. I've held down this job for the longest I've held down a job in years, because I'd always hidden my mental health and then left when I had been "outed" by a hospital admission. I think part of why I've done so well in this job is because I've been honest with my employer - I told them about the schizoaffective from day one and that's meant they've been able to support me to remain in employment, even after I was off for four months last year when I was in hospital.


I don't know. My Mum tells me she's proud of me and that when I lost my job (I was fired because of my attendance in a probation period) I could have given up, but I didn't and I got another job and I've kept it. She tells me she is proud of me because I never give up. She tells me she's proud of me because she's seen my fight back from being really poorly. It's hard, isn't it? I tell myself every day that it wasn't that bad. That things weren't really that terrible. But as my CPN said, people don't tend to get detained under the mental health act for something minor, as it really is a last resort. I try and keep that in perspective, though sometimes it is easier to pretend that I wasn't really unwell.


Thank you to those who have said I could achieve the dream of going to uni, and thank you to those who have said that I can have a good life even if I don't. I guess it's good to keep both things in mind. If I have a good period of stability then going to uni is an option, but equally if it doesn't happen then it isn't a failure. I can still be successful in my own way.


Thanks again everyone. I'm sorry if I haven't answered any of you properly. I'm really grateful for the responses. :)

I'm sorry, I know exactly how you feel :(

I'm 24 and getting my second degree. I got one a couple of years ago, but in a field you have to obtain a master's to practice, and I didn't get into graduate school. I didn't really like the field anyway, but after trying to find some sort of reasonable, general job I didn't have the appropriate qualifications so I went back to school to try and obtain them. I still have no idea what I want to do.

It's hard too because I have a twin brother, and he's in graduate school, about to graduate, he has a girlfriend he wants to marry and essentially has his life together. In fact, I was angry recently because he had a very minor hiccup in his program and had to smooth it out (he figured it out in less than a day) and was really anxious about it -- and my parents were fawning over him and were very sympathetic, which is frustrating because he has one little, bad thing happen to him in 6+ years and they act like it's a big deal and are "so proud" of him for "figuring it out". Makes me feel like they've resigned themselves to accepting I'm a disaster.

I don't feel I have much in the way of options except push forward and hope it works out. Every time I think I'm interested in something, it becomes impossible or won't work out for whatever reason.

But, I have a lot in the way of mental health struggles and self esteem issues. If I was able to take a break I would, but I have to find a way to support myself.