Damned If I Do, Damned If I Dont
 

This will be a post regarding my family, my mother in particular but first some back story. I am the result of an affair my mother had 24 years ago, referred to as "an accident". Ive never met my real father and have no interest in meeting him. From a letter poorly left on the table, I can also gather I was put up for adoption before a change of heart.

Mother: my mother hasnt had an easy life and we are quite poor, I give these reasons some slack to my mother. Now relevant to the title if I am feeling sad I am told to wise up, if Im smiling and happy I am told to stop "sarcastically" smiling. I have been to hospital once with eye problems once, my mother angrily told me "to wise up theres nothing wrong" the doctor confirmed there was. My symptoms got worse I set up an appointment to which again my mother informed me aggressively and crying, "theres nothing wrong why cant you be happy, you, your brother and sister all drive me insane, I want to pack up my bags and leave". The doctor confirmed there was again something wrong. If im feeling down and my mother asks whats wrong and I tell her she bursts into tears shouting, "you need to stop making my life hard" or something to the similar. Anytime she does I usually just leave the room, however her latest ploy is to smugly smile find me later and say, "Apologise to me nicely". She has also threatened that one day ill wake up and she will have gone, cause she cant deal with anything anymore. I wish she would sometimes. Also has never liked any of my girlfriends and informed me "I dont want to meet her/dont bring her to the house".

Step-Father: From the age of 13-21 my father has a "take the mick/break you down" personality, these barbs and insults over the years has made me develop a thick skin due to his opinions on my appearance, hair and lack thereof, girlfriends, my aspirations. He has stopped since I dwarf him in height and muscularity. Doesnt understand technology or modern life to the frustration of my mother.

Sister: Was the princess growing up and thus used to get me into trouble or blackmail me into tidying/cleaning her mistakes and still tells my mother, she lives abroad but when she visits still does this, she is 34. Recently became pregnant, yet still uses her pregnancy to her advantage.

Brother: Divorced, 37 year old lives by himself. When he visits my mother informs me, I must spend time and cancel my plans to be with him. Also my feelings are irrelevant and his must take priority. My mother has bullied and emotionally made him dependent on her. My mother hated his ex-wife and choice in women.

I am not saying my mother doesnt have it hard, however from my referral as "an accident" and my non existant biological father, I have developed a detached/cold personality trait which makes me cope with the thought of never seeing any of these people ever again. I could happily go my remaining years family-free. You may pause to think I am too sensitive and cant take a joke however I assure you, im thick-skinned and known to be quite humourous to friends. I await any and all responses.

For what it's worth i don't think you're cold hearted. It's normal to expect some love and care from your family, especially your parents (and in this case your mother) as they chose to bring you into this world. Unfortunately sometimes people think they can do something which it later turns out they can't. And it seems to be the case with your mother.

I know it must hurt when they say and do they things they say and do. It's not a refelction on you, honestly, it's just them being idiots. Sometimes parents think it's ok to punish their children for everything they lack themselves. And it's not ok and it's a terrible way to treat your kids.

I don't know if it would be possible for you but i'm thinking at this point it might be best to distance yourself a bit from them. That also means adding some physical distance between yourself and them. Would it be possible to move out???? My apologies if you already have, i just assumed you haven't.

Sometimes relationships can be mended by being away from those who seem to be somewhat abusive. Other times they can't. I suppose in this case only time would tell.

Live your life for you. A thick skin can be handy but sometimes also stops you from letting in the affection of others. Seek for the things you need elsewhere if you know you won't get them from your family. That is a completely acceptable thing to do. I hope this helped a little. If only in knowing someone read this and care.

Every job in my immediate and far areas have jobs which aee zero hour contracts/part time contracts. However saying this I have recently been accepted to be a baker for a company with wages up to £900 a month, if the company have the hours. Im thinking of saving a majority to pack my bags and leave for another country. Its one avenue of thought im pursuing.

The thick skinned and detatched personality has already made me numb towards rare shows of affection. Replying is more than I expect, I thank you deeply.