advice
 

I need to shower or bath but the water feels like its spying on me and its not safe to be fully naked anymore. I dont know what to do because I actually physically smell.

I need to go out and thats scary too everyones lookig at me spies and hitman are everywhere. Reporting information.

What do I do?

Could you try and challenge those thoughts? Tell yourself that rationally the water is just an element, it can't be spying on you. Failing that, could you have a sponge bath? Just strip small areas of your body at a time and wash it with a flannel or a sponge, dry it, cover up and move on to the next bit?

Where are you going? Are you going with people? If you are, do you think they can help you feel safer?

I washed my hair over the bath. The bath is scary so that was a big challenge. And yes I sponge bathed. It was harder than expected but have put nice clean clothes on.

I need to go to aldi to get lunch and then to town to do some errands. I dont have anyone to go with. I normally listen to music which helps a bit.

do you have any kind of bathing suit? if you have a spare pair of pyjama shorts or a tank top or something you wouldn't mind getting wet you could also wash in those & then throw them straight in the wash. it would probably be a quicker process than sponge bathing but it also might be scarier going into the water, so it depends on your preferences there i think.

for going outside music is my usual go to. i'm also a very twitchy person so i take some kind of jewellery (ring, necklace, or bracelet) that i can fiddle with to help focus on something. i wish i could be more help but my outside troubles are more general anxiety than anything else.

I have several as Im going on holiday soon. :) I could try that.

Jewellery is something I use too. Im worried because I work with the public and they scare me so much right now but I have to go to work. I went to aldi but there were messages of harm in the food ad I cried but I managed to get food.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, love <3

Others have given good advice.
Has anything in particular made these thoughts more intense recently?

I managed to go out for an extended amount of time into several shops and only have one run to the loo and panic attack. Music and jewellery helped a lot. It was still very distressing though and now Im home Im exhausted and struggling a lot with dissociation.

It seems like when Im struggling with self harm urges and commands and demands things like this are more pronounced. They are always there but sometimes they dont matter so much. Im unhappy about a lot of things like my future and job and stuff and that doesnt help.

I feel so scared of all of this. I want it to go away. I want to hide in bed like when it gets real bad I do that but that gets me sectioned or in hospital usually and I dont want that. I just want to shut out everything. Its too hard.

bathing suits are really good for washing because they're made to get wet. you can easily get soap & shampoo and things near them without damage at all.

i'm really happy you could still push yourself to go out and do things despite it all and i'm glad everyone's suggestions have been easing it a little. obviously they're not going to completely remove it but all the same.

working with the public is a big thing for me that i struggle with, and i can't look people in the eye and things like that. when i did work with the public one thing i would do would be imagining people as a colour. it was a weird one and i don't know why it helped but i would look instead at what they were wearing and their hair colour and things and mesh it together. some people had patterns, usually if they were nicer, and some people were just like beige. but as colours i could kind of assess them and interact with them easier.

coming down from dissociation is usually another music based one for me, though i do like to lie completely still in random areas of my house and merge with the floor to (literally) ground me back into reality. like i pass everything to the ceiling by staring at it. sometimes my dog sits with me but not all the time, it depends how he's feeling.

so i guess a lot of my tactics are just like 'transfering' everything to something else, which works for me personally but i guess isn't for everyone.