I don't know how much more I can take
 

I feel like an evil wretched thing. I have relapsed into my anorexia so badly since leaving day treatment three months ago. I have lost all of the weight I gained and I'm back to my 'safe' weight. My bmi is not super low but is in the anorexic range dropping fast. I have so many behaviours I have never had before in ten years of illness. I'm scared of fats and sugars and low protein things, I take hundreds of selfies a week just to body check, I have these bizarre self punishment rituals if I eat to much. Some of which seem to be recreating past abuse?! Half the time I think I am fine and I love my eating disorder and I want to get sicker and sicker the other half of the time I literally want to die. I curl up into a ball in my room and just want everything to stop I wish I'd never been born.

My therapist and I are in agreement that all of this stems from my trauma, I am trying to mask my trauma feelings and avoid doing the trauma work by starving. And it works but it is just another kind of torture. The thing is I prefer this torture, I can manage it, I know it.

I'm having a lucid moment and all I want to do is cry out for help. More intensive treatment has already been suggested but I turned it down because I feel so disgusting and unworthy. My bmi is no where near sectionable. And that makes me so distressed because I know I'm going to have deteriorate so much more before I'm forced into inpatient. And then what? No therapy in IP. I'd lose my therapist. Being locked somewhere is one of my major triggers.

I don't even know what the point of posting is. I just want everything to stop. I'm only alive because I don't want to hurt my friends by dying, I'm suffocating out here and I don't know how much more I can take.


I do have aspects of DID. I have a child state who I become or who talks to me on occasion when my trauma is triggered. Now I feel almost as if I have got a new alter- one who punishes and abuses me. It is so strong even when I am crying that I want food and I can't cope anymore this bad part of my brain forces me to carry on with behaviours. I only have therapy once a week and I scared that if I increase my intake the punishment will be deadly.

Hi there

I'm sorry you haven't had a reply yet. I don't have any words at the moment, so hopefully someone who does will reply as well, but I read and I care. I just didn't want you thinking no one had read your post.

*gentle hugs*

x x x