Need a friend that understands
 

Here I am, not sure if you will take me back. I am back from attempting 1 year free. I sit here with tools in front of me, bandages ready for soaking. Many appointments and struggles with health, I have been on disability since Sept , not for si, but "true issues" (according to dr) 4 surgeries in 1 1/2 years. 2 more in the near future. The tumors keep coming back...Half My Colon and all my lady insides taken...nope tumors still thrive and grow. I see my psych in the morning , she is prepared to search my arms....haha she won't have to search. I want to take the saw and just circulate over my arms. Cuts have begun...now just to finish it...I am I over my head this time... bottled it allllll in....let's make it count! I am back to square one. I just need a friend.

Hello rainy.

I'm sorry to hear about all the physical problems you've been having. Sounds like hell.

There is definitely something in the air where U.S. Oldies seem to be having a bad 2015 and returning. I'm sad to see you here.

I'm not sure why you cut. I'm not sure what's triggered it? Is it really the physical **** you've been through or something else?

Please take it from an idiot penguin who was doing really well that you do NOT want to start cutting again. I'd gone almost two years SH free minus a small blip and since January am pretty much back to where I was 10 years ago.

I know we all have our reasons. You could say the same of me.

But from a friend who cares, don't inflict any more pain upon yourself.

You don't deserve any of it. I know you. So I am qualified to say this.

Love

Matthew xxx

i'm sorry to hear about all the physical crap your going through right now, and the way that is impacting on your mental health. sorry that it has led to you having to cut in order to cope with what is happening. I hope that your psychiatrist can provide you with the support you need in this tough time

Hugs x

I want to thank you. Thank you for the hugs and kind words. Thank you for just reading. I am fully aware of my consequences and, unfortunately after my selfish post, realize several of the oldies are back into habit. I am fighting for you! I am fighting for me! I am not sorry I came back here. For my actions, maybe, but to slap myself into reality that everyone hurts! I hate this for me, and my friends. My daughter, now 17, understands that not all is good with me, but has friends who control emotions with cutting. She comes to me with advice, advice I can give her, advice that has saved a life through her.

I hear the pain and feel the pain you live and live some of that myself. I have gotten back to med and mental help. I am fortunate I have a counselor who sees me the way she does...as me.
My daughter now know about my actions...uhmmmmm.....big step, but she knew.. ..

Matthew, like you a lot sir!!!!! I will not give you hugs , but I smile...you are here, still, on earth...thankful. thank you for all you have said...I take it to heart.

All my others...thank you for the encouragement...thank you.

Rain

Well done Rain.