I feel like shit.
 

A month or so ago my mother told me that whenever she took my baby niece home, her mother would ask if she'd seen her Aunty Nona recently. This made me feel really guilty about not seeing her enough, after all it isn't her fault who her father is. So I contacted the mother, explained the situation that if they wanted to see me it would just be the two of them, he would have to be nowhere in site.
Her first response to that was asking me about 'my side of the story'. I didn't want to get into this subject, especially with someone that's 1. Married to the problem and 2. I haven't spoken to in over a year. So, I replied nicely saying that I wasn't ready to talk about it, and left it at that, I haven't read any of her messages since as I'm in a bad place at the moment and trying not to make myself feel worse.
Today my mother has gone round to see said baby, and asked if she can bring her over to see me. She said no. Apparently it's because she asked me if I wanted to meet with them and I didn't reply. Now I feel like ****. I tried to explain my situation as nicely as I could to her. Everything I do is never enough for people and no one seems to care how I feel. Even my mum shrugged it off and said 'she's just like that'. Should I just give in and let her treat me like everyone else for the sake of my baby niece? Or just continue to see her when she's at my mums?

Playing devil's advocate maybe she thought she had reached out to you in one of these messages and was hurt that you didn't reply - not knowing that you weren't in the right place to read the messages. That said I don't think that this should make you feel ****, from the way I have read it it is a case of crossed wires. I appreciate that it must be difficult to communicate with the mother of your niece. I wonder whether it would be easier to communicate with her in writing - maybe getting your mum to pass on a note or a card asking for the opportunity to be a part of your niece's life and to ask for some patience because of the situation.

What if your mum's opinion on the matter?

It sounds like there are some complexities in this situation and your relationships with people that are making this especially difficult. You don't need to explain those here if you aren't comfortable. You aren't the only one experiencing this sort of thing though, and if you want to talk more, or talk privately, I'd be willing to share some of my story and how I'm dealing with it (though my way of dealing with it isn't all that effective).

Does the baby's mom know why you don't want to see the baby's father? Would you be willing to tell her?

This is a very rough place to be in, I'm sorry things are so distressing.

I agree with Sarah that maybe letting her know via your mum that you need some space for now would be a good idea.

As others have said, could you maybe get in touch with her either directly or via your mum to say that you 100% want to be involved in your niece's life, but that right now you really aren't in a place to discuss the past? I agree that perhaps wires have been crossed a bit and hopefully with some clarification you will be able to have a reasonable relationship with your sister-in-law that allows you to see your niece.

Thinking of you, this sounds like a really difficult situation.

Thanks for the replies. My mother is in an awkward situation with her too, she's the type of woman to use her daughter as a weapon. And I would rather my mother in Baby H's life, to look out for her just incase, than her stick up for me and be cut out. And, yes, baby's mother does know about what happened. I don't know exactly what she knows as he told her, but I don't think it was the full story.

Also, whenever I tell my mum that things are upsetting me, all she responds with is 'stop being a victim'. She's always had the attitude of 'move on and don't let anything get to you' which I kind of get, but it's not always that easy. I told her about starting therapy the other night and she just couldn't understand why I needed to talk to someone. I felt too ashamed to tell her about the tablets.

Feeling like I feel is very strange for me, I've never aloud to let myself feel much of anything before. And now I feel I'm ready to start dealing with things properly. Maybe she just feels guilty about not knowing things where happening right under her nose and that's her way of dealing with it?