RYL Forums - Should I feel guilty?

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Should I feel guilty?

Hey guys,

Just in need of a bit of reassurance really,,, (Sorry this may be a bit long!)

Basically on the 4th Jan my partners flat was set alight due to her not cleaning her flat (having papers everywhere/flammable goods all over the floor), she left her hair dryer on & the whole flat went up in smoke.

Now the past couple of days have been manic. I've been frantically trying to organize things for her. I've spent a lot of money buying her a new mobile phone/clothes/footwear/other things, traveling up to see her, & most recently trying to hunt down the cat shelter her 3 cats were taken to after the fire as she has no phone. I've had no thank you for all this either.

Today I finally got a call back for the RSPCA. Sadly one of her cats died due to smoke inhalation & the other 2 are now homeless as she is staying in a hostel for 2 months 'till her flat can be refurbished. The RSCPA have not been very nice, & have been really forceful towards me having the 2 cats at my house, they have rang me 5 times today & each time have pushed me into keeping the cats. My partner never asked me if I could take the cats or if my landlord would allow it but I still had message demanding that I had to be up at 7am tomorrow to take the cats from the RSCPA...

Now, I've just spoken to her & told her (calmly) that I couldn't take the cats as I'm unable to cope with having 3 cats in the house. I already have one & I already have my nan coming around daily to help with her up-keep as I struggle lifting heavy things like litter trays & bending down/getting back up when feeding my cat, due to my osteoporosis etc. The phone call ended pretty abruptly with my GF screaming at me down the phone saying that I was selfish & that she would take my cat if my house had burnt down & now I just feel awful, I did suggest she could put her cats in a cattery for the 2 months & even offered to help pay for it, but she didn't listen & didn't seem to take on board how my disability would be affected.

Do you think I should I feel as bad as I do? I am trying my best for her even with the limitations of my disability & I'm not getting any thanks & I just don't know what to do :crying:

What a joke. No you absolutely shouldn't feel guilty or responsible. It's not your fault her flat burnt down! You've done more than enough to help with the situation. I understand she must be very upset and fragile with what's happening but it's not your job to fix everything, especially if you are ill yourself. I think it's unreasonable to expect you to take in the cats and it's very generous of you to offer to help pay. You need to look after yourself!

Everything has been said above really!
No way should you be feeling guilty, you've been really good to her as it is and she should be thankful.

I agree with everything everyone else has said, you definitely don't need to feel guilty about this at all. I appreciate she's going through a difficult time, but it's no excuse for being thoroughly ungrateful and very demanding.

I don't have anything extra to add to the suggestions Carmen gave, but just wanted to let you know that I also don't think you should feel guilty.

From experience with the rspca they are VERY unlikely to take them back, they don't do that kind of thing. We had a cat at work that really needed to go to a cat shelter and they actually told the people to bring it to us even though we're not associated with them and have the wrong facilities and they wouldn't help us further. Partly it's due to money, partly its politics but also most rescue date rise are jam packed at the moment and havent got the facilities for any more. You're better off ringing around your local animal sanctuaries and see if they can help rather than the RSPCA.

As said, it's not your responsibility and though she'll have a lot going on right now it is really for her to look into and see what help she can get which is likely to be more than what you can if she explains the circumstances and given the fact that she is the owner.

You should in no way feel guilty. It sounds as if your partner doesn't understand your illness much at all and is making demands of you that are unfair.

I would also suggest that you don't spend as much/any more money on her as I'm guessing you are paying out of your disability money which you need. Your partner needs to take some responsibility for what happened and contact charities that can help with her situation and provide some food and clothes and so on. It's lovely that you are so caring and helpful, I just worry that she might start to expect you to sort everything out for her if you keep doing it.

Thank you all so much, I feel a bit better today, she said sorry about the screaming down the phone.

I think I'm going to take a break from seeing her till she's more settled & in some sort of routine with her living/support workers etc.... I'm going to do this self-preservation thing & all that :blush:

I think that's a great idea! Look after yourself <3

Well done Helen U need to look after Urself x

Good idea Helen, you deserve some self-care xxx

Great idea, well done for taking care of yourself!

Take care of yourself lovely Helen- perhaps a break will give her the mental space to feel more settled herself. You've taken on and done a lot already and it sounds like she knows that too although it must be a hard time for her. I hope you can take some time out to do some things for you this weekend- you deserve it <3