I'm really confused
 

What should I do?

I hope that people reading this wont judge me, I find relationships really difficult (family, friends and intimate relationships). So what may come naturally to you, doesn't come naturally with me, I completely don't understand the rules of relationships and I don't understand what kind of people exist out there.
So I ask people not to judge me for not knowing what may be obvious to you.


I live in my boyfriends flat. He owned it for 2 years before I moved in 3 months ago.

I've been sitting here for 3 hours doing nothing but think about how confused I am. Something that really isn't normal for me. I'm always doing something, Im a person that really hates the idea of sitting around doing nothing, ever.


I have been studying for a psychology degree for nearly 2 years (ive done nearly 120 credits of it, effectively nearly completing the first year of uni). Yesterday for the first time ever I decided I may give it up to take away the pressure in my life (it's not a huge amount of pressure, but its a constant small niggling pressure that preys on my feelings of self worth as I feel like I 'haven't yet completed it' all the time).

I work in a care home for adults. It's a nice job, although every single day that I work there i have worried about losing my job because of my interactions with other staff (I'm pleasant to them always, but very shy and anxious. I do get on with the job and until yesterday, I had never took time off).

The night before yesterday I struggled to sleep. I felt really stressed. My boyfriend didnt see any problem. But I had had feelings for a week that things aren't going well because he doesn't tidy/clean the flat that we live in, doesn't seem to have much motivation or make plans with me, doesnt do things with me unless I ask him, doesn't seem to talk with me hardly at all. Yet I've been with this man for nearly a year and a half, and I'd frankly (I know it's cliched) feel lost without him.

Yesterday I told my boyfriend I am moving back out. He simply said 'I'm sorry I couldn't make your stay more pleasureable'. I was at work. i usually feel anxious and shy at work but this was something else. I was getting more anxious than i ever do. I couldnt stop thinking about how everything has failed now that Ive committed to moving out and kinda couldn't believe his response in a way.

To which I got increasingly stressed, was sick and dizzy and needed to get out of work and be with some friends to help me feel better. I took the rest of the day off. I saw a friend. She said basically that quitting psychology might be a good idea as I do put so much pressure on myself with 'my career' (I'm 21, but my job is everything to me! Because it should hopefully count towards a reference for a psychology job in 4 years). She also said I should reply to my boyfriends response about me moving out -the 'im sorry I couldn't make it more pleasurable' one, in case he was really upset and could have been crying -which made me think about how much I love him so I initiated us to have a talk.

I went round the flat (where I sit now) to meet him and have a talk. I expressed I feel like we don't talk or have that mutual understanding of each other that people have when they're in love. And that there's no plans ever, or talk of future, so what is there kind of thing. Basically he agreed we would talk lots more and that maybe in a few days we could go see some of his family 'as something to go out and do together'.

We cuddled for the rest of the night and watched TV. Then got into bed.

Today he's gone to work. I'm off work as I'm not allowed back in for 24 hours (after sickness it's 24 hours). I've sat in the same spot for 4 hours. Confused as ever. I've not felt this confused for years.


Studying psychology kind of makes me feel a sense of power over my life in lots of ways yet it makes me feel empty inside that I can't just do things without thinking about them. I can't just be. I'm too anxious to 'just be' and let things take their course and just interact with people.

Maybe I'm completely mad. But today I got up, I sat here thinking about how untidy the flat is and wanting to tidy it but then I thought, what if this relationship doesn't turn out properly? What if I still move back out tomorrow? I'm scared that things won't change like he said they would.

He left me a note this morning expressing how glad he feels that I'm happier again. He never writes me notes. But what if its all just words?

This whole thing is making me so confused and I just don't know what I should do and how I should feel about it. I had plans to spend the night at a friends house tonight for a girls night in.

I'm just not sure about anything anymore

That's a lot of confusion and it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate to think about.

Talking with your boyfriend and his response, it sounds like he is willing to put forth the effort to be a partner with you. ( he's made plans and he left a note) that makes me think he is at least trying. It's up to you to decide if it is enough but it is a start. And if you move out you can always decide to move back in. A decision now doesn't have to be a decision forever.

As to your work, if things have been ok so far, they are probably still ok. And sometimes taking time for yourself is a good thing.

Hey lovely,

The first thing I wanted to say is that reading through that, is like reading through something I could have written myself. I have had the exact same conversation with my partner on Sunday - about not talking properly, not spending time together, not spending days out, not talking about the future etc. So you are not alone in your confusion and I can empathise with where you're coming from.

As Ama said, it sounds like he's trying and is willing to make the effort. I have the same doubts about my partner but part of a relationship is putting trust in someone to make an effort when it's needed (I struggle with this too, it's by no means an easy thing to do). It's like the quote goes; 'Love means giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't'.

You could always try taking a week or two of moving out to see if you guys could work on things without living together, if you decide to, but again, as above, it doesn't need to be forever. You can decide to move back in if/when things get better.

It doesn't really sound like you've had massive issues at work, so I don't think there's something worrying about it. At the end of the day, if there's an issue with you/your interactions I'm sure your supervisor or manager would discuss it with you first rather than just dismiss you on the spot.

I am also studying Psychology with Counselling (with the OU) and I get what you mean about thinking about things too much. I am already quite over-emotional and over-thinking and I do wonder whether the course is making it more intense or my need to talk things through more intense but it's just a case of stopping these thoughts before they spiral - usually by doing something neutral or unemotional such as crosswords or Sudoku etc.

I hope this makes some form of sense, and if you ever need to talk, please feel free to drop me a message.

x x x