I offended my friend and now she won't speak to me.
 

Edit: Check last post for newest question :)

Hi guys, this is my first time here so if this is in the wrong place or something just tell me.

Anyway here's the story. Fair warning this is going to be long so i hope you don't mind. If you don't like long reads skip to the bottom :)

About three weeks ago me and one of my best friends (let's call her Megan) were casually chatting on text and a picture of hers that she had posted on a website came up in conversation. Now because of things like the angle it was taken from and bad lighting and stuff she appeared as if she wasn't wearing anything unless you looked really really close. Anyway at first we laughed about it. And then we started talking about something else, so i forgot about it for a bit, but then it came up again. Conversation looked something like this. I said:

- Hahaha really tho, that picture :D
- I like it tho
- Yeah but it makes you look sorta like a... you know
- A what?
- I don't want to say it
And then she started guessing the word and reached the word "hoe".

Now i didn't mean anything by it and i most definitely don't think that she is one, but understandingly she got really upset. I guess in my mind i was thinking that some people might see it and think that of her and that maybe she should take it down. But that's beside the point. Anyway so she got really upset and I immediately felt bad about what i had just done. I've basically called my best friend a hoe. So i tried to explain myself and apologize immediately. But she got really really sad because as she explained to me and as i knew from before, she doesn't have a lot of self confidence because of reasons i won't go into. Anyway so she got really sad but she told me she wasn't angry or anything and the conversation kinda ended.

Now I know what i did was wrong, I feel terrible about it and if i could take it all back i would. So I really wanted to apologize and make up for it, so the next day i talked to her again briefly and she said its ok and that she didn't want to make it a big deal. And i asked her if its really ok, because it is a big deal. And she said no not really and she also said she wasn't in the mood to talk to me. So i thought ok I'll give her a few days and maybe try and talk to her again.

Ok I hope you are still following because its about to get complicated.

So later that day her boyfriend, who also happens to be a really good friend of mine as well (let's call him Brian), texted me saying that he didn't want me to talk to her for a while and if i had anything to say it would have to go through him. And i said of course I understand and I'm really sorry for what i said. Anyway so I didn't talk to her. A few days past. In those days mind you i couldn't sleep, didn't want to eat and i think i might have even had a panic attack from fear of losing my friend and never talking to her again. Anyway so a few days past and i thought to see if i can talk to her and if anything to let her know that i want to talk about it. So i texted Brian saying that i want to talk to her etc. He said no, so i tried to fight it for a day or two, but things started to get heated and i really didn't want to disrespect him or go against him or anything, first because he is also my friend and second because it would have only made things worse. So i thought about it and then texted him and said: "Ok, lets start over, I want to make this right, so tell me what to do and i will do it" To which he said that i should wait for now and that he would tell me when the time is right. So i said to myself ok i will wait for as long as it takes until one of them contacts me etc.

A few days pass again and Megan finally texts me, after a week of silence, saying she doesn't want to take it on text so she asked if she could call later and i of course responded, said yes of course whenever you want to talk just call me. Anyway she texted me later that night saying she wasn't feeling so good and was tired and asked if we can talk tomorrow and once again i said yes whenever you feel like it. Anyway we finally talk the next day She told me how she felt, that she was really sad, she told me that isn't something you say to your friends. I of course knew that, I told her that it really isn't how it think of her and never have and never will. And I apologised again, and asked for her forgiveness. She accepted my apology and said that of course she will forgive me. Anyway things looked like they were on their way to getting better. Of course I wasn't expecting everything to normalize over night but she was finally talking to me and we were working it out. We even talked about what we had done in the week and just chatted about random things. So things were good or at least on their way to being good. At that point I also texted Brian apologizing about how i treated her etc. to which he responded that he wanted to meet after the weekend so we can talk face to face. I of course said ok.

So a few days pass again and the day before me and Brian are supposed to meet he calls me and says that i had disrespected his one rule of not talking to Megan and disrespected him in the process and so he didn't want to speak to me again and he was quite angry. Now I was confused since, for one she came to me asking to talk and second he set this meeting after me and Megan had talked. So i tried texting him asking whats happening etc. He didn't respond and I also later found out he unfriended me on social media and the like. So I text Megan saying that I think all three of us should talk. She later texted back saying that she doesn't want to talk right now. I'm like ok, I fugre maybe its a bad time or something. I try again the next day and she tells me She doesn't want to talk to me and she has nothing to say to me. At this point I don't know what to think about the whole situations so i tell her that it feels as if they are playing some sort of mind games with me, you know first she comes willingly to me and wants to talk then Brian goes off at me saying that I should have ignored her and not responded and waited, and then once again she doesn't want to talk to me. So after i told her that she got mad said she was really annoyed and was sick of me and doesn't want to talk to me. To which i responded with: "Well if you don't want to talk to me why did you come to me the other day saying you wanted to talk and accepted my apology and made me think that things are going to be ok" And she said that she tries to be nice and accept people's apologies, but she really didn't want to to speak with me then. To which i said that she shouldn't have cause now i feel like she lied to me. Anyway she told me that she needs a pause from all this and that i should leave here alone to which i said ok.

Finally i wrote her an email saying everything that i had left to say to her, that she means a lot to me, reminding her of all the good times we've had and how i've always been there for her when she needed me and that if our friendship ever meant something that i hope she will forgive me.

So that is the story. If you've made it this far, thank you! But in case you decided to skip here... :D

TL;DR: I offended my friend, she got upset; her boyfriend asked me not to speak to her: I felt really bad and wanted to make it right so I didn't for about a week; finally she asked to speak with me, at which point we talked i apologized, she accepted my apology and things were seemingly going to be ok; then her boyfriend got really angry at me for talking to her, even tho she was the one who came to me first; and now she doesn't want to talk to me either saying that i should leave her alone.

So guys, do you think there is anything more i can do or say? Because the thing is i really don't want to give up because she is really important to me and i feel lost without her, since i consider her my best friend. So should i wait for a while and then try and talk to her again? She is leaving the country for a few weeks now so maybe once she comes back? And if so what more can i say or do? Because i feel like i've said everything that i had to say. Or should I just wait and hope for the best? And what if she never forgives me or speaks to me again? So yeah guys, what do i do now?

That sounds like a horrible situation. From what you've said it sounds like her boyfriend might be poisoning her against you - obviously I don't know them and may be completely wrong, but that is what it seems like to me.
It sounds like you've made a lot of apologies and obviously regret what you said. It's good that you explained to her what you meant and that you didn't mean to offend her. It also seems like she was ready to forgive you and try to get back to normal, until her boyfriend stepped in. I don't think she will want to accept that about her boyfriend so it's very difficult to know how to approach her or what to say.
If she is going away soon then maybe just send her a short messsge to wish her a good trip and let her know you'll miss her. Maybe you could suggest talking when she gets back if she feels ready.
It does seem like you are doing an awful lot of running in this relationship. I can understand why she was upset, but you seem to have made every possible effort and I honestly can't understand why she wouldn't have forgiven you by now; her response just seems so disproportionate to what you said.

What seems odd to me is that he gets to make rules about your friendship to her. And feels he has a right to be so angry about it.

He had no right to make a rule to begin with. He could have adviced you on what he thought was the best approach but making rules on behalf of two other people friendship is not right. It also seems that he is more angry about you breaking this rule and disrespecting him (for not even breaking the promise you made him) than what initially caused this conflict which indicates that this is about him and his needs, rather than his girlfriends. He has made this situation about him. Not his girlfriend.

He does seem to poison her mind as was said above but possibly not because of what you said to your friend but because he feels like you broke his rule which he technically had no right to make. This is about his need for control and being in charge and the fact that he feels like you went against this has angered him. He felt he had a right to make rules about something that was none of his business of how to handle really and that you shoud obey the rule where really he had no right and you shouldnt even obey this if she voiced a wish to meet as she did and solve things.

All he really should do was support his girlfriend and if he had cared to help solve things adviced at what he felt might be best. But not make a rule and in the end, it would be comepletely up to you and her how you would go about it. Even if it was against what he had adviced as it was.

You and her are two individauls with a friendship. The conflict was between you and her. He is not a part of the relationship between you and your friend and however you choose to solve it, is up to you. You did nothing wrong by meeting up with her when she asked. You did as you were supposed to do and if she asked you should have gone as you did. It was never for him to decide when as your friend is her own person. Perhaps they should have cleared how they went about this between the two so they wouldnt have sent differing messages to you. Blaming you for meeting up isnt okay as she asked herself and he has no right to decide against her. But its easier blaming you for their faults in handeling this than each other i suppose.

It sounds like she may be scared to speak up against him and therefore she is acting differently now. By the way you said he has spoken i find them odd behaviors and odd that he feels he has a right to act on her part against what she has chosen herself. Its quite controlling an unpleasant.

I think the best thing you can really do is wait. You have done more than enough to solve this and by now, they probably owe you an apology as much as you owe her. If you continue to be involved in thsi situation it will bring you down. I dont ask you to give up on y our friend but perhaps by not begging and contacting she may realise what she is losing and that she is missing you and tolerate her boyfriends sickly behavior anymore. If not, maybe try contacting her directly again in a few weeks but refuse to communicate through her boyfriend as this is between you and your friend. Not him. Perhaps she will see different on things then.

I dont suggest pointing out negatives in her boyfriends behavior though. Thats spmething she needs to realise for herself and at this point, she doesnt seem likely to see it or respond well to accusations of him affecting her negatively.

You have made it clear how sorry you are and have done a lot to solve the conflict and make things better again. You have gone beyond what you had to do because this is a very extreme reaction to something that as i understand wasnt meant in the way it was percieved. Its okay that she is hurt but this is beyond that and you shouldnt play along in her boyfriends power games. Hopefully she will realise that he may have his own selfsih reasons for saying the things he does and wanting you keep the two of you apart.

I hope things get solved eventually but for now, i would think it was best to keep a distance and let them figure out whatever is happening. If you get to speak to both of them again and they come to you, i think it is okay to say that while she found the comment hurtful, you have found the behavior and treatment they have give you not only unacceptable and somewhat unreasonable but also extremely hurtful. If they have a right to be hurt and point out that you have done wrong, so do you. And the way this situation was handled from their side was not okay.

First off, thank you guys so much for answering. I appreciate it. :)

Yeah i too felt that it was between me and her and would have preferred that he or anyone else for that matter got involved, first because it would have been easier that way and second because it was her that i hurt not anyone else. However i understood if he was upset too and what he said did make sense so i followed along, because i thought that they were both on the same page about how they wanted to handle this. Though I never had the intention of talking through him or anyone else for that matter.

Anyway Amaranth i already wished her a good trip and told her i will miss her and all that, and once she gets back i will try and meet up with her and try and talk one last time, but i guess after that if nothing comes out of it then i will have to just move on.

And Morpheus I fully agree with you, but i don't want to be making assumptions about him or her, because that's just going to lead to more misunderstandings i feel. So really I just want to understand what is happening. Everything made sense up until he got mad at me for talking to her. Now i have no idea why. But from what i am seeing without any more information it does seem like he is as you said poisoning her against me.

The only possible reason for this behaviour that i can think of is because i once had feelings for her, which was before they got together. Said feelings were not reciprocated however, which was unfortunate. However I have made it abundantly clear to both of them that i have moved on and only see her as a really really good friend. And i have, even though it took me a while.

But i really hate making assumptions. Another thing is that from what little i see from her on social media its as if nothing ever happened and everything is right in her world, which makes me think if I ever meant anything to her, and i hate thinking that. Although thinking about it she is quite good with hiding what is happening in her life.

So yeah, sorry if I'm ranting, it feels good sharing this with someone though, since of the few of my friends that know this occurred, they are either on her side or don't really want to get involved. Which i understand.

I suppose i wait for now, not that there is much else i can do and i will try talking to her again face to face just the two of us to see if anything can be done. But do you guys have any tips on how to not go insane in the meantime? Cause this is all i can think of all day.

Anyway thanks again for the responses, it means a lot. Have a Happy New Year now! :D

I completely agree with what Morpheus said, he doesn't get to make rules about your friendship and he is on some power trip in doing so.

Waiting is hard. Can you find things to occupy yourself like reading or hobbies? I know it is tough but hopefully in time this will all heal over and be better for you xx

Oh I guess I should also say a little about myself. I'm male, 19 year old, recently graduated from highschool, which is where I met the both of them btw. I live in Sweden, currently taking a gap year before going off to university. I'm not very social so I don't have tons of friends but the ones I have I consider them to be really good friends. I am getting better at being more social though, talking to people and such. Anyway that's about it.

Yeah I can find some things to do. Binge watching a tv series at the moment and I'm starting work soon too. Stand up comedy videos seem to be helping too :)

I'm wondering if he is feeling threatened by your friendship because of your gender? I've had friends who have had similar issues in the past. Could you possibly talk to the boyfriend to let him know that you just see your friend as a friend and see if he is feeling threatened due to that?

Right now I'm not sure if I will be able to talk to him at all. But when they got together I did tell him that I only see her as a friend and he seemed to understand. She has a lot of guy friends in fact and we all used to just chill together and we're all friends and everything seemed fine really. I'm wondering if this maybe brought up past things and now he is assuming things the same way I am starting to, the difference being that I actually want to ask and confirm said assumptions. And to be honest there isn't much he would be threatened by in me, I don't think. But at this point i don't know what to think so yeah I guess it's possible.

Hey guys, just a quick question. So i decided to give this one last shot, but I was wondering what the best approach was to try and talk to my friend. She will be back next week from her trip and she starts school again the week after, so i was thinking i would wait until then to see if she responds. And if not should i text her asking her to talk or should i confront her directly after school hours one day? I'm just not sure that she will respond if i text her, but i don't want to make things worse if i confront her. Thanks in advance.

Edit: Also I'm not sure if this means anything, but I know for a fact that she has looked at our last text conversation on facebook chat at least 2 times in the past week. And also on new years she sent out a snapchat message wishing happy new year. Said message wasn't meant for me specifically as she put it in her story for everyone to see, but I also got it myself, which means she willingly chose to click on my name and send it. Afterwards I did the same thing and sent a happy new year snap to everyone including her. It could have been just a mistake, but it could also mean that there's a chance that she wants to talk again. Thoughts?

Hey guys, me again. :) Ok the thing now is that basically three people of my group of friends know about what happened (Megan, Brian and another friend who we shall call Stewie) and all three of them are against me to some degree, but the others are clueless as far as i know. I want to hang out with my other friends, but if I do chances are at least one of the three will be there. So what can I do, until this issue is resolved? Should I go anyway? If i see them confront them? Or should i make up an excuse for not going and just wait until the issue is resolved before i see my other friends?

I think you should see your friends, if anyone has a problem then you can explain what happened and the lengths you went to to apologise; if anyone still has a problem then they can either cope with it or leave - you've done nothing that should mean you lose friends over it. Don't keep punishing yourself, go have some fun with your friends :-)

Thank you so much! I will do that and you are right if they have a big problem with it then maybe we shouldn't be friends after all.