Im so heartbroken. I f*cking hate christmas
 

and I've always hated Christmas, so this isn't just a situation thing but...
and I dunno if this post even belongs here but...

It's my son's first Christmas.
and all I want is his daddy to be apart of it.
but obviously that wont happen.
and I tried,
and tried.

I don't wanna do anything but lie in bed.
I'm so triggered.
defeated.
heartbroken.

I was supposed to work this morning but had to stay home with my baby.
Is it sad that I'm so depressed and dunno what to do with myself that I went and sat at the parking lot at work for 10 minutes this morning?
Cause I'd much rather be there.

I just want this to all go away.
I want the awkward family christmas eve after work with people I've only seen twice in my life.

at least he's too young to understand much of anything.
but it still hurts.
so bad.
so bad.

I'm sorry to hear that your in such a rough place right now. Sorry to hear that your son's dad won't be a part of his Christmas. You tried your best and unfortunately sometimes that's all we can do. Would watching a funny movie or something like that take your mind off things even for just a little bit? Is there a friend you could call?

everytime I hear christmas music or see anything remotely related to christmas or talk to my son's father I cry.

It's been a real up and down struggle today

Sorry to hear that things are still rough for you. How are you doing today?

sorry to hear things have been so bad. how are you at the moment?

Thank you so much everyone for your concerns and support. We tried to go visit daddy today, but to no avail. Luckily with it being the holidays I was able to keep distracted for a while, but tomorrow its back to the daily grind. I've so far stayed sh free, but again that could be due to the distraction of having family around.