RYL Forums - Following me. *SH, SUI*

I have ranted about this in the Comfy Couch thread and Hannah has helped me greatly, but I just wanted to rant about this some more. Any input/reassurance/experiences welcome.

I went to a Christmas get together for my church branch group today. We met at one of the people's house and, once I was there, I found out that her Mum is someone I used to work with in a residential home. When I was working there, I was sectioned. Not at work, but at some point of one of my days off. I told my manager, obviously, but I didn't tell anyone else. No one else was aware of any issues.

I spoke to this lady tonight and just said "I left because I was unwell" and she said "I remember" and said that it was OK because everyone working there had issues and that they liked employing "misfits." Urgh. How did she know? Why was I gossiped about? I never went back, so there was no reason for anyone to know. She was OK about it, but that's not the point. She shouldn't have been aware. I am angry at the manager, but don't want to be, because he died of a heart attack a couple of years ago and he was generally a nice guy.

I just... This stuff follows me around. I'm so worried that this is going to get back to the people at church, who don't know about admissions (though do know about the self harm as I wear short sleeves there), and they will think badly of me. I don't want them to think I'm dangerous. I don't want them to think I'm mad. I don't want to be known as the "crazy one." It is hard enough with the self-harm, but them knowing about the sections, even just this one, is terrifying.

I'm angry with over zealous doctors for detaining me when there was no need. I'm angry with myself for being a ****. I'm sad that this stuff is going to be with me forever, whether I ever end up in hospital again or not, the scars will never go away. The scarring is significant, from cuts and burns and skin grafts. The whole of both of my forearms are covered in scars; there are no scar-free areas of skin. That is going to follow me forever. I don't mind so much in certain places, where I feel safe, like church. But urgh. It's there. It's always there and that's the first thing I'll be judged on if I go somewhere with short-sleeves.

Why detain me? Why do that? I have only ever tried to kill myself once, so that makes sense for that occasion, but the other times? The other times I hadn't even hurt myself recently. They just decided that taking away my liberty was a great idea. Why do that? I don't get it. Diagnose me a schizoaffective and then disbelieve everything I'm saying because I'm "mental" and everything I'm thinking is a lie. No. Not acceptable. Why? I don't get it. It's not OK to do that to people. It ruins lives. It's damaged my life.

Don't get me wrong. My life is good and I am happy most of the time. I function extremely well a lot of the time and I lead a good life. I have a family who love me, a job I enjoy, friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I am loved and appreciated and I feel secure in that. I just... I don't know. I just wish that people didn't take it upon themselves to lock me up every so often.

Sorry. Mega rant. Anyone get it?