Regretting a decision
 

Long story short(ish!)- I haven't spoken to my Dad for nine years, not out of my choice but his. He has a son who is my half brother who I haven't seen since he was 4 years old, he's now 15.

Without going into too much detail, the reason my dad stopped talking to me nine years ago was because my Mum's partner at the time had a big falling out with my Dad. It all kicked off and my Dad and his family members threatened violence towards my Mum's partner. I remember calling my Dad crying and saying 'Dad it's me, why are you doing this?', he replied with 'who's me?' And I said '(my name), your daughter', he replied with 'I don't have a daughter' and hung up. Those were the last words he said to me.
I've thought about him lots over the years, I was quite close to my Dad before all of that and I guess it still hurts to some degree now.

After a lot of courage, my Mum ended up splitting up with her partner four years ago (he was very aggressive and emotionally abusive to both myself and my Mum), and since then he has caused us hell. Not long after they split up, my then 8 year old sister confided that he had sexually abused her (he is her Dad!!), the police dropped the case due to lack of evidence. He constantly phoned social services, made false allegations about my Mum which were obviously found to be fictitious. Taunted my Mum in the streets, showed up at my sisters school to try and take her, and what really upset me is that he became friends with my Dad again to use him as an ally against my Mum.
This man has ruined my life, my Mum's life and my Sister's life, and not only that, he destroyed my relationship with my Dad and then rubbed salt in the wound.

Anyway- three months ago I decided to contact my brother on Facebook. He didn't reply and hadn't read the message, I figured it went into the 'other' inbox as we had no friends in common and don't live local to each other. I left it at that and most recently decided it was for the best that he didn't read that message. However, yesterday I had a reply and he wants to know more about me and has suggested meeting up.

All of this is overwhelming, it's flooding me with awful memories and I'm not sure I want contact anymore. My brother mentioned that my Dad wants to speak to me 'deep down' but doesn't want to be the first to initiate contact. I feel that that's a pathetic excuse, he's my DAD for god sake. What's more is when I found out he was friends with my Mum's ex four years ago, I text him saying that I was upset about that, he never replied.

I just can't deal with this. I'm so overwhelmed with it all and it just reminds me of my Mum's ex and the things he did to my family, most of all what he did to my sister.

I'm pretty sure no one will even bother to read this but perhaps I just need to get my feelings out in the open before I go insane.

Hi,

I went through a slightly similar situation as a child, my dad fell out with his mum when I was very young and we lost contact with her. Over the years I wanted to contact her but kept ducking out responding to letters from her after I had written to her asking to meet. However at the age of 20 I decided that I did want to contact her, I did end up meeting her and we did discuss what had gone on when I was a child and it helped me gain closure However having met her I decided that I didn't want her in my life (mainly because of her husband) and because I just didn't know her any more and felt too much time had passed.

She died a few years ago and I was glad to have tried contacting her as I knew if I hadn't I would have regretted it for life.

The point I'm trying and possibly failing to convey is that it is ok to not be sure to meet right now, no one is forcing you to do so. And it is ok to decide you want to meet in the future and to keep changing your mind, it is a complex situation.

Can you contact your brother and tell him that you don't feel ready to meet yet? Or even that you don't feel comfortable meeting him until you have spoken more over facebook?

What do you want to do? If you want to talk more to your brother then go ahead, but equally if that's contributing to your stress right now then you definitely shouldn't feel like you have to. You could either just not reply to his message, or just send him one saying you're sorry but you've had second thoughts about messaging him as it's stirred up so many memories relating to your dad and your mum's ex-partner. Or you could say that you'd like to talk to him, but that you don't want to discuss your dad at all.

I agree that your dad's excuse is pathetic! You owe him nothing and certainly shouldn't feel like you ought to make the first move or anything.

I hope that helps a bit and sorry to hear that you and your sister have been through so much.

Thanks guys.
Unfortunately my brother seems really excited to be in contact with me and keeps asking when we can meet, even suggesting that my Dad comes along!
This is all too much for me, but how do I now back off and say no I don't want to meet!? I feel like such a bitch.
Also I've told my Mum about this contact and I sense that she's feeling a bit of betrayal.
I always do the wrong thing, even with good intentions.

Oh gosh, that all sounds incredibly difficult. Would you like to see your brother? It might be best to say, mention the difficulties regarding your mum and say that you'd like to take things slowly for now - or even say that you're finding it a bit overwhelming. Would you like to have contact with your dad? I wonder if things have changed since you last spoke.

I would be really wary that your brother seems to think you will be totally cool with meeting up with your dad. Does he know what you dad said to you that time and that he is friends with the man who caused your family so much grief?

Hi there,

By the sound of it, you are COMPLETELY valid in saying that you've been finding contact difficult and you'd like to take things slowly, or even cut contact completely.

It'll be a difficult conversation to have but if this contact is being detrimental you then you owe it to yourself to put it on hold until you are in a better place and IF you want to carry it on.

x x x

Pi.R^2 - yeah it is a bit strange that he's suggesting my Dad comes along. I did say to him briefly that I haven't seen my Dad for years and it's mostly due to my Mum's ex and Dad evidently not wanting to see me, that's when he made the comment about my Dad not wanting to make the first move! I'm not sure how much he knows about the situation with my Mums ex etc as he was pretty young back then when it all started and god knows what rubbish my Dad has told him anyway. It's all very strange really. It's like he's overly excited to be speaking to me and I don't get why....

Talaiporia - I'm really not sure whether I'd want to see my brother. Part of me thinks I should because we are family after all, but another part of me is scared of all the emotions and bad memories it will stir up. With regards to my Dad, I feel like it's been too long now to ever go back to a normal Father/Daughter relationship, we don't know each other AT ALL anymore which really saddens me because I really loved my Dad. Also, I'm not sure I could ever forgive him for abandoning me like this.

I guess he has happy memories of you and is excited to be in contact with you again! I'm not saying that to try to get you to see him for his sake, just that you said you didn't know why he was overly excited. Take it as a compliment!

Could you tell your brother that you're finding this all quite overwhelming and that you appreciate that he's excited but that you'd like to take it a bit slower and talk a bit more before considering meeting up? I think it would also be important to say that even if you don't feel able to share the reasons why things are so complicated with you dad, you have your reasons for wanting to keep your distance from him and that he (your brother) needs to accept that.

It sounds like he maybe isn't aware of a lot of what went on, so it might help to at least tell him that things were quite messy and that whilst you have no problem with him personally, the whole situation stirs up lots of difficult memories for you. Hopefully he'll be understanding and not try to push you into things you're not ready for.