whats wrong with me
 

i would like to share my life to those willing to listen.
Too long i walk in the desert, too long i lower my rations to stay alive. I lost track of time and direction, i'm afraid, alone and exhausted. where am i going and why? i do not want to die, if i cannot find happiness in life how will i find it in death? there is no escape so i keep living.
I'm ex marine, a truck driver at the moment, i feel i'm an alien from a different planet, i have no friends, no woman, no desire to socialize, i dont need to go to a restaurant to have a conversation, or dress up for a date, hobbies seem like waste of time.
i dont understand why im this way, everyone else seems to be fine around me. or is it just a disquise.

Have you ever talked about things to a doctor or counselor?
You list some symptoms that potentially indicate depression or mental illness in general.
Seeing a doctor and discussing treatment options is the first step to feeling better.

I generally disagree with the drug/medicine treatments, it helps the symptoms but doesnt cure the problem, but maybe its something to consider, i never really thought of that. Thx for ur advice.

I often try to identify my problem.
Everybody around me seems superficial, even my family. Im conspiring that most people live in their own world, using the physical plane to maintain their fantasy, ignorance is bliss but its not the reality.
There is many layers of reality, physical one is just the most apparent, we are in all of them ,we can close eyes on many different levels.
Who am I for them? I'm who they think I am, and that's whom they build their relationship with... So in reality I'm alone and I can see it as a bright day.
I'm questioning my sanity... I'm always open to new information... Does anyone feel the same way? Please share your opinion

Realization of death got me thinking, about whats truly important, rich or poor we all die the same. Most people seem to be in a hurry going nowhere. How about experiencing living life to learn from each other, to experience true friendship, passionate love, dangers of an adventure, and then we rejoice and laugh because life is fulfilling, that's forever, after death we meet once again and we rejoice and we laugh.
Heaven and hell is here on earth.

The earth is a paradise, humanity has been on top of the food chain for thousands of years, and now with all the machinery and technology we almost rule nature and this planet.... And what are we doing? Stressing and surviving, ridiculous!
Makes me wonder if we really are on the top of the food chain...

I wonder why humanity has the behavior of a bacteria, spread and multiply, exhaust all resources and die... Or is that the disease of western civilization.

To spread and multiply is the nature of all things, all life has a built in desire to do that, to live on forever in a way through our offspring and to pass on our genetic code, humanity is just extremely good at adapting to environments and spreading. It is at a disease, it's the game of life, right now we are just winning. It doesn't make life less meaningful.

I agree with you, though it is fascinating we share the common characteristics with the most primitive life forms.
Then everything has a soul... Or nothing does... I wonder, who am I? As my body cells multiply and die I keep changing, physically and mentally then I'm only who I am right now. How can I determine I was or will be if I'm only now. Time is a strange affair... the measure of a change... Our brain perceives time to recognize and predict future change patterns.... But it is just as real as our personality.
We are walking blind, no one knows who we are and where we going, no one really knows anything for sure...
I feel there is nothing to hold on to but your happiness, its like the light that insect fly towards to.

I've pm'd you.