I really need someone to talk to...
 

It's 5pm on a Saturday evening and I'm sitting at my computer screen. It's kinda funny to think that most of my most personal inner thoughts have been transmitted into the world via a computer screen.

It's something I call "The Separation Principle": If there is a screen separating you from the experience that you are confronting, then it isn't real. It's the thing that allows snipers to kill without seeing their target as a real person. Well, I'm having that experience right now with my thoughts.

Every year around this time, I have a massive drop in emotions and feelings. I have MASSIVE depressive episodes and I self harm more than I do at any other time of year. Well, that time is upon me. I can feel it washing over me like a wave on a beach... and I'm drowning.

My wife is sleeping. Her MS Medication has made her fall asleep on the sofa, so I covered her up with a blanket and gave her a kiss on the forehead. This bit isn't important to the post, but to me, details like this make me still believe that life is worth living.

Anyway, I'm sat here and I'm thinking that perhaps things in the world are getting worse... I live in a time that I have never belonged to. It's like I was born way way too early. Like this isn't the time I was meant to be born into. I have never felt like I was alive and this may have something to do with the fact that I have never felt like anything was worth living for.

I was have never had a mind that was geared toward reality and this may have something to do with me now being a writer, a director, a (now) professional photographer, a videographer... I've never felt like I belonged to this reality or any other. I am petrified of the real world. I can't handle it and never have been able to handle it. My wife tries to help me with this but she knows that she can't.

This year, I've been in the Daleham Garden Crisis House twice and bless them, they tried, but like many things in this world, they don't have the resources. Not sure why this detail is important, but the little things always are.

This next sentence is the most difficult one I've ever wrote: I would like dearly to leave this world behind and not care about the people I leave because I sincerely believe that they can be free of me and my mental problems. How ****ed up must that sound.

I guess that sometimes, the best thing that we as a species can do is love.

All we need is love and in the end, it's all we have left when the civilisations and the buildings and the governments are gone...

Love.

I don't have many words but I just wanted to say that I can identify with a lot of what you've said, and you're not alone with having such thoughts.
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now.

I'm sorry that things are this bad....

How has these thoughts come to u all of a sudden? What has made u feel the way u do? I understand why everything in ur life has taken its toll on u and people it maybe effecting. Though we all ask ourselves why we here and why does this have to happen to us?

All of us don't know why and it's more about thinking what if. I know theres questions we can answer but we don't know what life is gonna be like for us. I know it's the case of remembering why were here in the first place.

Things do happen in life for a reason but thats what makes it more interesting. There's nothing in life what doesn't. It's looking at the past and accepting we made mistakes and then looking forward to the future.

Sounds like to me u don't know where u are at in ur life and thats understandable. I think it takes us time to know what we want. This is proberly why u feel like this. Why focus on the less important stuff when u know u got family and friends by u to support u? Thats more important right?

Don't do anything u may regret. There is a good enough reason to why there is a life worth living and that explains it. Just think what others would say if u gone. You need to look at how others feel then u. I know it must be hard for u though u can still get help. It's finding the right help as these things take time. Please don't give up.

You seem to have alot of things to look forward and so wouldn't know why u would not want to atleast see what happens in the near future for u. There must be something what can make u want to live.

Think about how ur feeling more in depth and find a solution to how ur feeling. It the support isn't helping u right now then it's maybe best to go back to the doctor and looking at ur other options. Keep having the Counselling though.

Good Luck.