Lost in the recovery circus
 

I feel lost in this recovery circus.
I want to listen to my ed team and other people who wants the best for me. I want to get healthy. I just want to do the right thing.
So far i have twisted the rules a little bit and to be honest i dont think i would have come as far as i have if i havent done that.
But i kinda long for some rules to live by now. Some things i can stick to so i dont relapse. Some rules i havent made myself.
So i really want to follow my mealplan. However my mealplan is somewhat low in calories and i feel tired, hungry, and in a bad mood when i do so. And thats even when i add to it. I dont feel like this is the right plan for me. I been addicted to the feeling of hunger. And i already feel like i am starting to feel that "hunger high" again.
I am not allowed to get a new mealplan cause apparently i am "getting what i need" and by eating more would make me gain weight too fast and could make me relapse.

I always felt my best when i worked out alot and ate alot.
Thats the kinda of life i want to get back to.

But i am not allowed more than a 30 min. walk per day.
More would make me feel more hunger and provoke guilt.
I am not allowed to eat more cause i dont move more than i do.

I feel like my ed team ties me down to a chair all day long with a slice of bread and piece of fruit and want me to feel ever so happy about my life.
This is not the life i want and its certainly not the kind of life i worked soo hard for and went through hell for! And everybody else wants me to listen to my team. But it just feels wrong. And everytime i try to speak about my longing for a active life and such they only see a talking illness.
I feel like i get treated like a nuttball with no valid opinons.
This is hard to handle and it makes me doubt myself and i feel like i am loosing my voice in this. I dont know how to listen to my gut feeling anymore and what and who to trust anymore.

I feel like i am being choked in (contradicting) advice, guidelines, and well meant opinons of people who does not understand or even see who i am as a person. What i long for, what i love to do. What drives me forward. I feel like i am being hold back. I feel soo comfused:crying:

To qoute my dietitian "i think that now you have decided to get healthy it cant go fast enough for you, but you got to be patient" oh yes. Stupid me, wanting my old life back and all. Like anorexia aint all that bad afterall. I really should calm down and enjoy my ed life as it is.
Afterall i can always leave when my family is having icecream. So i can sit alone with my apple. Afterall i am used to that kind of stuff by now. Cant have me doing crazy stuff like eating a snickers bar or go for a bike ride. That kind of stuff could hurt a nuttball like me, you know.

Have you spoken to your dietitian or to the head of your team about how you feel?
My dietitian tells me I'm not eating enough to play soccer which is the right thing to say, but I have also gotten some strategies on how to include more nutrition with my exercise. Perhaps if she can't hear who you are as a person you need to see someone who can?

I spoke with my dietitian about getting more calories yesterday but she told me to stick to the plan i have. And i could get a new one when i moved more. It just feels so wrong. I get alot less than i read is recomended. I find myself checking time to see when i am allowed for a snack or meal. I felt way better when i just ate without the plan. I just feel like it would be nice to stick to a plan right now but it makes me feel so tired.
This is just overall bad. I am in recovery for anorexia and my dietitian makes me walk around hungry and tells me if i eat more i will gain so much weight that i wont be able to handle it. Shes like a twin to my anorexia. Just what i needed.:thumbup:

I think that if you are recovering from anorexia, no one should be allowed to hold you back if you want to eat. My dietrist has always told me that everything I eat extra will only help me on my way to recovery. There is only one important rule that you should live by: no matter what you've eaten the day before, always eat the minimum that your mealplan gives you.
I do agree that it is not a handy thing to start excercising a lot, because that can really make you focus on your body and food again, where you actually want to take the focus away from that, so you can just live your life again. First make sure you can actually handle the eating in itself, because that can be quite a challange in itself, without things to provoke relapses.
Hope it helps you a little :)

Exactly ,I think that too. The body needs it after everything its been through. I want your dietrist:p She sounds alot better than mine. Mine just makes me feel so guilty. Well i dont feel like running or such. I do wanna wait with that. But i do wanna walk more though. Yeah the whole eating thing is starting to be a mess. I just feel like nomatter what i do theres something that could trigger a relapse. Its does help;) thank you;)

It is perfectly normal for your body to crave a lot of food at this point in recovery. It has been damaged due to the lack of food and everything that has been needs to be repaired, your body takes a lot of energy out for this, but it still needs to function in its normal ways.
It's not abnormal (more like you need to) eat at least 3000 calories and sometimes, if you feel hungry, even a lot more.

I must honestly say that I hav never found the courage to do so, but according to your story, you are fighting one hell of a battle and are on the winning hand, so maybe you could!!

thats what i have been reading on the net alot of times. And i am not close to 3000. My plan is not even on 2000. It just seems wrong.

I dont know if that calorie note was against the rules but i will mention that this is a plan i DONT follow 100 %

That means the plan is really stupid, seriously. I wonder if you dietrist even knows anything about anrorexia specificly or if she is just a "normal" one.

Yes i Think so too. My plan is actuelly made for people who is about to have surgery and need to loose weight quick. I find it so wrong to give that to an anorexic. Every second word is like "fatfree" and "maximum" . She does not understand anorexia at all. Well she knows how to make it worse.

I'd get another one as quickly as possible, because this could turn out bad :-/

Yes. It sure could. If i continue to look at that plan i am walking right into a relapse. I just know it. I can already feel it. Problem is that in my country the recovery is a "package deal" you get a dietritian, therapist, a nurse and a doctor you get meetings with and if i dont want to meet one of them, i cant get any help at all. My dietritian is the only one at the hospital working with anorexics. So i am a little stucked with her.
Luckly we agreed that i should call her when i needed to see her again. Which is the very last thing i need. So aint gonna call her again. But it still sucks cause i could really use somebody to help me with the whole food thing.

My dietician got right to the heart of my anorexia - she told me plain that she can't really help me with nutrition til I give up my controlling behaviours. Sounds to me that your dietician really does not get your ed at all. As much as I hated my dietician for her advice, I know now she's totally right. That's what I'm working on now. Today I will not weigh my food before I eat it. It seems like such a small step but it's huge enough for me.

A step that feels huge is huge so thats great! Keep up the good work:)
No she does not. I dont agree with her way of doing things. I feel worse after following her plan. I read many times that doing recovery one should just listen to the body and by doing that i felt better.
I am pretty comfused. These days i am struggling with alot of pain in my body and feel pretty sick. I know this is normal but i heard it will drag out if you eat less than 2500 calories a day. Does anyone know if its true? Cause i have been struggling with these repair pains for a long time now and i just want it to stop. It drains me so much.

I can only say that I experience the same with nausea and body pain- I don't know if it's calorie related because I only approximate at best but I'd make a guess that if you're undereating regularly that's likely a cause of the pain

Sorry to hear you are in pain too. No i dont know either. Guess i have to wait and see. I Got a appointment with a nurse and a doctor soon so i hope they Can give me some answears. Does it feel like your heart is Racing sometimes, too?

My dr told me my heart was racing because I wasn't giving my body enough energy.
I am trying to be proud of myself for not counting calories today at all, and still eating! have managed so far, and guess what - the world is still turning, I have not ballooned and I even enjoyed my lunch. huge steps forward
God bless you on your recovery road, Maybeline, as you have blessed me

Oh, could be it, i dont know. I am pretty comfused about whats normal, whats enough and so on. I feel like i try so hard to do the right thing without having any idea of what the right thing is. Lol
Thats great! i know that feeling:laugh: i ate a cookie in the very start of my recovery and was surpriced i couldnt see a difference the next day:-p
Great to hear you are on the right track! Now please keep the good work:thumbup: aww, that was so sweet, thank you. May good bless you and your recovery too. I wish you all the best:-)

I do get a racing heart sometimes- I'd say Hannah's doctor is accurate about your body not getting enough fuel. Hope you feel better soon